The Idler, Friday, April 22, 2011

May the Osterhase visit

THE EASTER Bunny is in fact a hare, it seems. The Osterhase came to America in the 18^th century with German immigrants, along with the tradition that children who have been good receive coloured eggs, placed in their caps and bonnets. And like everything American it's spread all over the world.

The precise origin of the custom of colouring eggs is not known, though Christians of the Eastern Orthodox Church to this day dye them red, symbolising the blood of the crucified Christ. Eggs coloured green are believed to symbolise the advent of spring in the northern hemisphere.

The important thing about the Easter Bunny, of course, is that he should visit.

That's just a kids' story, you say? Come on! Let's take a vote on it.

Have a good one!

Easter hiccup

 

I HOPE the Easter eggs get through to Zambia this time. Some years ago there was a major hiccup when the Easter Bunny failed to visit Lusaka – or anywhere else in the country.

 

Two huge refrigerated trucks were stopped at the border post, crammed with Easter eggs which they had carted all the way from South Africa.

 

"Where's your veterinary certificate?" said the Zambian customs official.

 

"Veterinary certificate?"

 

The official tapped sternly at the waybill. "It says here 'eggs'. To import eggs you need a veterinary certificate."

 

The trucks were parked off for two days while the matter was sorted out. Without the engines running, the refrigeration stopped. Two days in the heat of central Africa melted the chocolate into a shapeless mass.

 

It was not a good Easter for the kids.

 

Drug research

 

THERE'S a drug for everything these days. A source within the medical fraternity supplies a list of diseases for which he says cures are being researched by the pharmaceutical companies:

 

·         RDD - Refrigerator Door Disease. This is characterised by standing in front of the refrigerator with the door wide open, staring blankly into a collection of fuzzy jars of grape jelly, half- eaten margarine tubs with bread crumbs, and something that used to resemble fresh fruit (but might actually be meatloaf). It strikes only at night, and is accompanied by light sensitivity that makes the refrigerator light seem ten times brighter than normal.

·         LOD - Language Obfuscation Disorder. This strikes mostly doctors and surgeons. Its victims speak in unintelligible medibabble - Greek replacing normal English words - imagining they make perfect sense.

·         OHDD - Obsessive Hosiery Dislocation Disorder (OHDD), characterised  by a frantic household search for the other sock of any given sock pair. Victims, when finding only one sock from a pair, feel the universe has fallen into a state of great imbalance.

·         CAD - Commerce Anxiety Disorder. Heightened worry over whether your credit card charge will be declined at the cash register. Victims experience sweaty palms and heart palpitations.

·         RDD - Repetitive Remote Disorder This devastating disease afflicts mostly males aged 15 to 35 and is characterised by rapid channel surfing of television using a remote control device. This near-subliminal exposure can cause long-term damage to the retina and visual recognition system, leaving victims in a permanent zombie-like state where they can no longer recognise  anything other than brand logos or sports teams.

·         OWCD - Obsessive Wardrobe Change Disorder. This afflicts mostly women and is characterised by the incessant changing of clothing before a planned event (for which the victim is usually late). Women with OWCD are often married to men with Repetitive Remote Disorder, which actually works out nicely because the husband has something to do while waiting .

·         RPSS - Repetitive Pocket Searching Syndrome:This frustrating  condition is characterised by repeated searching of one's own pockets, several times over, following the misplacement of some small item such as car keys, in the belief it will somehow appear after the third or fourth search.

 

That sock thing is especially tormenting. Some say beetroot, garlic and the African potato will do the trick. Some swear by whisky. But those of us who are of a modernist, scientific bent wait for the drug companies to come up with the answers.

 

Tailpiece

 

IF SANTA Claus shows up on your roof this weekend, don't worry. It's just Van der Merwe delivering the Easter eggs.

 

Last word

 

Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.
Pope John Paul II

GRAHAM LINSCOTT