| Navy for a new world IT'S ENCOURAGING that the Royal Navy, that bastion of archaic values that have no place in today's world, has at last joined the modern age. Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The RN says it is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships of this class HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships naming committee have, after intensive counselling, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The final four ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights legislation. They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities: · The new, user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. · Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt. · Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal. · The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. · Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels health and safety rules, even in wartime. · All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the gay disco. · Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the ward room and messes. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal:"Hello Sailor!" Rum, sodomy and the lash – rum is replaced by Perrier water; sodomy remains; the lash is only on request. Now there's a navy to terrify the Somali pirates. Or is somebody pulling my leg? |
__._,_.___
Figures, figures
A READER tells us that this year has four unusual dates: 1/1/11; 1/11/11; 11/1/11; and 11/11/11.
She also invites us to take the last two digits of the year we were born; add the age we will be this year – and the total comes to 111.
Sho nuff! But I'm an innumerate so I don't know whether or not to be gobsmacked.
Hacking hacks
THERE'S quite a flap in Britain over telephone hacking. Prime minister David Cameron's spindoctor, Andy Coulson, has resigned amid continuing allegations that he must have been aware, while editor of the News of the World, that reporters on his staff were hacking into the cellphone conversations of Buckingham Palace officials and various celebrities.
Now a lawyer says he is bringing proceedings against several other newspapers for the same thing. It emerges that former prime minister Gordon Brown suspected, while still Chancellor of the Exchequer, that his telephone was being hacked and it is thought that Tony Blair suspected the same while he was prime minister.
A senior Fleet Street figure is quoted saying it is so easy to hack into the messaging system on mobile phones that he would be surprised if it were not common practice.
Easy? I have difficulty even operating my cellphone. I've downgraded to the most basic model available (short of having a little handle you crank, then say: "Hello, operator ..."). No cameras, no this, no that, no instrument for taking stones out of horses' hooves (no, I beg your pardon, that's the Swiss army pocket knife), nothing fancy. But I still get flummoxed just sending and receiving. I'm not ready to hack.
So I'm afraid that if you want the lowdown on Julius Malema and other luminaries, the planning for their birthday parties and other extravaganzas, you will have to look elsewhere. I'm technologically challenged.
Tailpiece
THINK of it. If all the women left the country, we'd have a stagnation.
Last word
When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment