Aussies in the firing line
IT'S OPEN season for Australian cricketers. A blizzard of humour is sweeping the world at their expense following the 3-1 defeat by England in the Ashes series. Some examples:
· What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat? A vet.
· What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube? A laughing stock.
· The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast.
· What did the stump microphones pick up when Andrew Strauss won the toss? Strauss: "You lads can bat.'' Ricky Ponting: "No, we can't. We really can't."
· What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A waiter.
· In the Aussie team, who spends most time at the crease? The sheila who irons their cricket whites.
· What does the Australian coach do? Take the team from the hotel to the ground.
· What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing. If you blink you'll miss them both.
· How is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? He can get out without even trying.
· The difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix has a future.
But I think it's going too far. We must desist from being so cruel to Australians. All they did was lose a cricket series. Three times by an innings. Ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee! Hoo, hoo!
Oh dear.
Hooked on flight
THEY say a cropsprayer is a fighter pilot who can't get it out of his system. When you watch these fellows flying at not much more than mealie stalk altitude, making the tightest of turns for the return run and sometimes having to dodge patches of timber or fly under electricity cables, you get an idea of the adrenalin rush they thrive on.
Peter Bagshawe, a colourful pioneer of cropspraying and aerial photography in South Africa, fitted the description. He has died in Durban aged 90.
Born in Cyprus and brought up in India until the age of 10, Bagshawe was then educated in England and received his wings at Cranwell, the Sandhurst of the Royal Air Force.
He flew Mustangs, Typhoons and Kittyhawks during World War II, ending up squadron leader of 250 Squadron (Sudan), in which many South Africans also served as pilots and ground crew.
After the war he travelled the world as a delivery and personal pilot. In 1948 he flew a single-engined 100 horsepower light aircraft from Britain to South Africa, via the West Coast of Africa. His first touchdown in South Africa was at Pietersburg (today's Polokwane) where, by coincidence, his maternal grandfather had been a magistrate after the Anglo/Boer War.
Bradshawe became a South African citizen and was in cropspraying for 15 years, based in Johannesburg and working mostly in the Free State and the Western Transvaal (today's North-West), where his prowess on the piano made him popular with his farmer hosts. He was also active in rugby and as a boxer. Then, having completed 10 000 flying hours, he hung up his flying boots and became involved in other businesses.
He was also a prolific writer. Bagshawe published Viva Entrepeneurs, which detailed how micro-businesses had become major successes, as well as Warriors in the Sky, which captured the fighting spirit of South African pilots in World War II, Korea and the Border War. He co-authored Flying Cheetahs - Korea with Dermot Moore and also wrote Passion for Flight, an account of the pioneering days of South African Airways. He wrote several biographies of business personalities.
Cockpit, piano, scrum, boxing ring and typewriter – it's a bit of a cram, even into 90 years.
Tailpiece
A MECHANIC is removing the cylinder head of a Harley-Davidson when he spots a famous heart surgeon in the workshop. He shouts: "Hey Doc! Look at this engine. I can also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for peanuts and you get the big money?"
The surgeon smiles: "Try doing it with the engine running."
Last word
Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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