The Idler, Friday, January 14, 2011

Eerie encounter on the road

I WAS DRIVING home on the Berea the other night when suddenly the headlights picked up a large pair of eyes in the road ahead. They blazed back at me, a foot or so above the surface of the tarmac.

(And at this point I emphasise that I was on my way back from a meeting of the Natal Cricket Society, an organisation renowned for its moderation and decorum).

I braked sharply and pulled up at the roadside. What could this strange creature be? It seemed also to have horns. I got out of the car and it turned to look at me.

This was most unnerving. Was it of this world? Was it readying itself for a charge? I looked about for a tree to climb.

I took a torch from the car's cubbyhole and shone it as I walked slowly forward.

Then suddenly I realised what this was. It was a giraffe standing in a pothole. Yes, these rains really have played havoc with the road system.

Green blob

NASA scientists are puzzling over a vast green blob discovered in a galaxy millions of light years away and photographed by the Hubble space telescope.

Is it dish-washing liquid? Is it crème-de-menthe? Is it green jelly?

The blob was first discovered four years ago by a young Dutch schoolteacher and astronomer, Hanny van Arkel, and is named Hanny's Voorwerp. Now Hubble has managed to photograph the blob and it turns out to be green in colour, like the cheese on the moon.

I say it's de Oirish. They've wandered everwhere over the centuries and often got lost.

Superhero

THE American city of Seattle has been patrolled in recent weeks by a man named Phoenix Jones who dons a Superman-style cape, body costume and mask and then walks the streets at night to fight crime.

 

Dubbed the Real Life Kick-Ass, his achievements have included the frustration of a car theft. But the other night he came off second best when he intervened in a fight and ended up in hospital with a broken nose.

The Seattle police have now appealed to Phoenix Jones to put away the costume and leave the job to them, before he gets seriously hurt.

Such a pity. Great idea, great costume, great name.

 

Reality banking

A TV CLIP of a British House of Commons select committee on the Treasury was rather dispiriting.

Bob Diamond, CEO of Barclays Bank, was being quizzed by MPs in a review of the banking system.

MP David Rutley (Conservative) wanted to know if he felt gratitude to British taxpayers for the bail-out of the banking system. Diamond was a little nonplussed – Barclays did not need a bail-out - but Rutley kept on at him with some truly inane questioning.

Then he demanded to know - "yes or no" – if Diamond would resign if his bank failed to meet its lending targets for this year. Diamond tried to explain that meeting the target depended on the volume of loan applications and their quality. But Rutley wouldn't let go. He was like a terrier swinging on the living room curtains.

As I say, dispiriting even though it's a long way off from here. Reality TV comes to the House of Commons.

 

Arizona shootings

IT'S DIFFICULT to know which is the most bizarre: The way American kooks so regularly loose off with firearms at all and sundry; the way they are able to buy those firearms across a shop counter, no questions asked; or the way politicians can use such TV imagery as the crosshairs of a rifle sight against their opponents?

The questions are being asked afresh following the gunning down of a congresswoman, a judge and a nine-year-old girl at a political rah-rah outside a grocery store in Tucson, Arizona. The same questions have been asked for decades.

And it's difficult to see anything but their still being asked decades from now.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

A BIKER goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms to me?"

Biker: "Yes. Homer's a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

 

Last word

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

Dave Barry

GRAHAM LINSCOTT