The Idler, Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's all about teak

THE REFERENDUM in Southern Sudan over independence from the rest of the country is no doubt being watched with a degree of pensiveness by a group of fellows from the Midlands.

They went there some years ago to set up and run a sawmill. The colonial Brits had planted teak trees in Southern Sudan after World War I and these had reached maturity. The idea was to fell the trees and get the very valuable timber out on the world market. Their agreed share in the profits was generous.

But a war of secession between the South and the North was in full spate. And the teak was a major factor in funding the rebels. It seemed a precarious undertaking, but the rebels had heavily defeated a military column from the North – I was shown photographs of blown up field guns and armoured cars, plus some other more grisly evidence – and the government in Khartoum was not expected to be a factor for a long time.

So the sawmill went ahead. Then, one fine morning, an aircraft appeared in the sky. It headed straight for the sawmill and proceeded to bomb it into smithereens, my pals fortunately managing to get out in time.

Another day in Africa. Another can't-go-wrong scheme bites the dust. But it certainly ain't dull.

Oil has now displaced teak as the primary economic factor. I hope it doesn't also get bombed.

 

Ronnie Hill

A COLOURFUL figure of the rugby world has died in Durban. Ronnie Hill played hooker for the Springboks in the early 1960s and he played Currie Cup rugby for Rhodesia (today Zimbabwe). He was 77.

Ronnie epitomised the camaraderie of rugby and was a lively member of a convivial circle that followed the game in Durban. He was possessed of a great sense of mischief – without malice – and puckish humour. He seldom spoke about his own career in rugby, where his achievements were considerable, but spoke a lot about the game.

A connoisseur of good food and drink, Ronnie believed life was to be enjoyed. After rugby, his interests were tiger fishing on the Zambesi and a mission to bankrupt the Suncoast Casino – which he pursued with quiet application and which was sadly unfulfilled when he died.

Ronnie Hill was a wonderful man. He will be greatly missed.

 

Drills and dogs

IN BRITAIN they've invented something that cancels out the sound of a dentist's drill. Researchers say this could help people overcome their fear of a check-up.

Huh? Are people really frightened of the sound of a dentist's drill?

It recalls the housewife who shouts to the postman who is being confronted by a fierce, barking dog.

"Don't worry, he's been castrated."

"Ma'am, I'm not worried he wants that from me. I'm worried he wants to bite me!"

 

Message by fax

 

A FAX COMES in from reader RM Tovey, oF Westville, containing "a little ditty":

Chorus

I'm a faxer,

It's not enough to show I care;

I'm a faxer,

I have to get it right out there.

Of all the fax I have won or have lost,

It's a fax that has to get across;

It's a fax in a million, my friend,

It's a fax that I really defend.

It's or circles to be put out there

And for robots to come to an end.

Chorus.

Of the issues I've read all about;

There is one we can really do without;

That is, crime must be brought to an end,

For people to get off their knees,

Stand up and fight and learn to defend.

Chorus.

We read all about HIV and Aids,

It's about people running around and getting laid.

It's killing millions of people, my friend,

We need to bring all of this to an end.

You need to stay with the one that you love

And not love anyone that you're with.

Chorus.

Great message. It's the chorus that gives it a zing.

 

Tailpiece

A BLOKE walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky. How much for total humiliation?"
 

The madam: "$60."
 

"Wow! What do I get for that?"
 

"A baggy green cap and an Australia shirt."

 

Last word

The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.

Thomas H Huxley

GRAHAM LINSCOTT