Twelve percent penance
A THIRTEENTH century Belgian abbey famous for its brewery has been damaged by fire but the monks escaped unhurt and the vats survived intact.
The Trappist (Cistercian) monks were dining when fire broke out at the abbey at St Remy-Rochefort, famous for its Rochefort beer. The building was evacuated and it took 70 firefighters to put out the blaze.
It seems the fire began near a generator being used temporarily after problems with the power supply.
Rochefort is one of only five breweries making Trappist beer, which has a 12 percent alcohol content – more than double what we have here.
The Trappists are a silent order. They're not allowed to speak to one another. Yet they produce possibly the strongest beer in the world.
This surely requires iron resolve on the part of the monks. Twelve percent alcohol and you're not even allowed to crack a joke, let alone break into song.
That's what I call a penance.
I do, I do, I do
PLAYBOY tycoon Hugh Hefner is to marry again at the age of 84. It will be the third time he's tied the knot and the bride will be 24-year-old Crystal Harris, currently his "playmate".
Hefner divorced his second wife, Kimberley Conrad, last year. His first marriage to Mildred Williams ended in divorce in 1959.
Crystal was Playboy Playmate of the Month in December 2009.
Asked if the disparity in their ages is a problem, Hefner is philosophical. "If she dies, she dies. There's nothing I can do about it."
Calf drama
TELEVISION had some arresting footage the other day of a helicopter using its downdraught to shepherd a small calf to safety on the bank of a frozen pond in Oklahoma. The chopper flew above the terrified calf, as it tried to gain its footing on the ice.
The high wind from the rotor blades pushed the frightened animal across the ice until it reached the bank, where it had a rapturous welcome from waiting rescuers.
A lot of skill, effort and expense – a touching little tale. Yet somehow it also evokes Ogden Nash's disturbing little poem.
Pray, butcher, spare yon tender calf!
Accept my plea on his behalf;
He's but a babe, too young by far
To perish in the abattoir.
Oh, cruel butcher, let him feed
And gambol on the verdant mead;
Let clovertops and grassy banks
Fill out those childish ribs and flanks.
Then may we, at some future meal,
Pitch into beef, instead of veal.
Bail or bale?
NEWSFLASH – "Burglar falls into combine harvester while on the run from police. He will be released on bail."
Dog's life
A DOG CALLED Prince has been named the most pampered pooch in Britain. The one-year-old Chinese crested dog is spoiled rotten by his devoted owner, Emma Butarrazzi, who spends £250 a month attending to his every need.
Every day Prince has a long bubble bath, while Emma applies shampoo and conditioner to his hair, followed by a lathering of moisturising lotion.
He is then dressed up in one of 200 designer dog outfits and has a breakfast of warm scrambled eggs.
Lunch is a refreshing fruit and vegetable salad, and after more dog biscuits for dinner, she brushes and flosses his teeth for bed.
Miss Butarazzi, 19, spends all day entertaining Prince at home in Loughborough with an array of dog toys, including a doggy skateboard. He also enjoys going for drives in his special car seat.
Pampered? I don't know where I ever heard of such cruelty to a dog. Fruit and veg salad … daily bath … teeth brushed and flossed … This is a case for the RSPCA.
Wasted ammo
MORE from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books):
When she found her husband slumped at the kitchen table after a monumental drinking spree, Bridget Schenk, aged 37, of Oldenburg, Germany, lost her composure altogether and shot him twice in the back. This proved to be both unfortunate and unnecessary since a subsequent autopsy showed that at the time of the shooting her husband was already dead, apparently the victim of a heart attack. Frau Schenk was jailed anyway for attempted murder.
Tailpiece
HE BECAME a rodeo rider. He did it for the bucks.
Last word
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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