CRICKET has taken a definite dip in recent days. The Ukrainian ladies at the Thunder Bar are aghast at our batting in the last two ODIs; the way our middle and lower order batsmen failed at the Wanderers to chase a very gettable total and the way they failed at Newlands to set up a sufficient target for India.
Says Katinka of the Crimea: "Vhy der crumblink in der battink half-vay? Vot giffs? Zey like der bird votching der snake? Voss such luffly cricket in der Tests. Voss humdinger stuff. Now batsmen collapsink whole time. Ve not snappink der suspenders for ziss no more! Phooey!"
Her command of English is improving as fast as her understanding of the intricacies of cricket.
"Vhy zey gettink in der shrink? Zey needink der lapdance. Vun session mit Sebastopol Suzie and zey not gettink no more nightmares for Harbahjan Singh. Six, out uff der ground!"
Well, tonight's the crucial one. Get it right in Port Elizabeth and the game's on, a cruncher of a decider at Centurion on Sunday. But somebody has to come off big up top. Plus somebody has to take the initiative in the lower order, stop being intimidated like der bird votching der snake. I'm not sure what lapdancing facilities there are in PE, but the St George's oompah band might make up for it.
It's cliffhanger stuff. It would be so nice to end the cricket interlude in style before our attention switches to the start of the Six Nations next weekend, which signals the start of serious rugby.
Of course, the Heineken Cup has been in action all along and Leicester have got into the interesting position of having a sniff at a place in the play-offs and, from that, the outside chance of winning the European title back to back for a second time. They play Benneton Traviso (Italy) at home on Sunday.
But the small amount of Heineken Cup rugby I've been able to watch this season has seemed to lacked zing, by comparison with previous years, due possibly to frozen pitches and generally awful weather conditions. Yet the grounds are still packed and play will no doubt pick up as Europe thaws out.
Meanwhile, the Prodigal Son returns – to English rugby, that is. Durban naughty boy Matt Stevens (England, Bath) has joined Saracens, having served a two-year ban for snorting cocaine. (This is an offence which those of my vintage find difficult to comprehend - it just wasn't around in those days. I suppose the equivalent would have been drinking meths or babycham).
But Matt is back – penitent, cleansed and, by all accounts, raring to go. During his lay-off he took up Brazilian jiu-jitsu, became British intermediate champion and competed in the world championships in California. He also sired twin baby girls. The rucks and mauls in the Premiership League should become interesting, the way they did in Natal in the 1960s when professional wrestler Percy Hall started playing frontrank for Durban Collegians and the provincial side.
But for now it's still cricket. See you at the Pub With No Name! (Given what's at stake I don't dare show my face in the Thunder Bar. The gals could get really snappy).
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