Keep insults traditional!
I REGISTER the strongest possible protest about this business in Cape Town where a jogger was gripped by the blue light Gestapo for insulting President Zuma's motorcade by showing it the middle finger.
This is another instance of the creeping Americanism that is eroding our culture. If you feel like insulting the president, the blue lighters or anyone else, you should show them two fingers, which is part of our heritage, dating back to the Battle of Agincourt where the English jeered at the French, showing them two fingers to show they'd failed in their threat to cut off the fingers of the longbowmen.
Yet the American one-finger insult has been creeping in. Today you see it in traffic, all over the place. We traditionalists should always respond with the two-finger version. Stand firm for our culture!
Meanwhile, I suppose cricket umpires also need to watch their finger gestures. You never know who might be in the VIP box and what misunderstanding there could be.
Reader Dave Freshwater suggests the jogger might have been doing no more than try to hail a taxi.
That's a thought. With the amount of moonlighting going on – I've seen ambulances up in Maputaland doubling as taxis – I wouldn't be at all surprised if the VIP unit were making a few bob on the side in the same way.
Let's get rid of the confusion. Two fingers means an insult. The middle finger could mean anything.
You don't say!
READERS are advised to take a seat before reading the following astonishing, sensational newspaper headlines, taken from the US press:
· "Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" - Cornell Daily Sun.
· "Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us" - Holland Sentinel.
· "Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut" - New York Times.
· "Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find" – Los Angeles Times.
· "'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories" – Huntington Herald-Dispatch.
· "Alcohol ads promote drinking" - Hartford Courant.
· "Malls try to attract shoppers" - Baltimore Sun.
· "Official: Only rain will cure drought" - Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts.
· "Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men" - The Sunday Oregonian.
· "Low Wages Said Key to Poverty" - Newsday
· "Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes" - The Daily Progress,
Charlottesville, Virginia.
· "Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows" - New York Times.
· "Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies" - Los Angeles Times.
· "Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning" – The Buffalo News
· "Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold" – Lexington Herald-Leader.
· "Economist uses theory to explain economy" – Collinsville Herald-Journal.
· "Bible church's focus is the Bible" - Saint Augustine Record, Florida.
· "Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons" – Cedar Rapids Gazette.
· "Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity" – Chicago Tribune.
· "Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person" – Daily Gazette, Schenectady, New York.
· "Lack of brains hinders research" - Columbus Dispatch.
· "How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says
author Louise Hay" - Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera.
· "Fish lurk in streams" - Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, New York.
Medical terms
MORE medical terminology, provided in the interests of promoting a healthier nation:
· ICU: Peek-a-boo.
· Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
· Inpatient: Tired of waiting.
· Labour pain: Injured on duty.
· Minor operation: Somebody else's.
· Morbid: A higher offer.
· Nitrate: Lower than day rate.
· Node: Was aware of.
· Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
· Paralyse: Two far-fetched stories.
· Pathological: A reasonable way to go.
· Plaster cast: Drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert.
· Post-operative: A letter carrier.
· Protein: In favour of young people.
· Recovery room: Place to upholster furniture.
· Rectum: What happened to the Corvette.
· Red blood count: Dracula.
· Saline: Where you go on your boyfriend's boat.
· Serology: Study of English knighthoods.
· Sterile solution: Not using the elevator during a fire.
· Tablet: A small table.
· Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
· Tumour: An extra pair.
· Urine: Opposite of "you're out".
· Varicose: Very close.
· Vein: Conceited.
Tailpiece
WHAT'S black and white, lives in a kennel and is deadly dangerous?
A fox terrier with a machinegun.
Last word
I don't really trust a sane person.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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