Scientific breakthrough
THE NUCLEAR Physics Department at Stellenbosch has made a stunning breakthrough. It has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Now we know why nowt 'appens.
Support for Zuma
JACOB Zuma gets support from an unexpected quarter in the bit of bother he is having over wives, girlfriends and progency. Taki, controversial writer of the High Life column in the British magazine, The Spectator (and mentioned yesterday in an entirely different context), comes out four-square in support of JZ.
Taki is a hilarious writer who specialises in saying very rude things about people like Tony Blair and Bill and Hillary Clinton. Here is what he has to say about Jacob Zuma.
"I often wonder why people are shocked, shocked – Captain Renault-like – to discover that modern football is a malodorous cesspit teeming with leeches and crooks, or that Tony Blair is a congenital liar not worthy of any position except that of orderly in a prison gym. The latest shock is the discovery that Jacob Zuma, the President of South Africa, has fathered his 20th child. I don't like football players, owners of football teams and Tony Blair, but I do like Jacob Zuma, a polygamous roly-poly Zulu who preaches safe sex by advising those indulging to take a shower once they've finished the business. Zuma is a proud Zulu traditionalist who doesn't much believe in white man's science, and who has been married a total of five times, has had children by seven women, and has three wives at present. His latest child's mother is not one of his wives, which is fine according to Zulu custom, especially as Zuma has provided "inhlawulo", the customary payment by a Zulu man after he fathers a child out of wedlock.
"Actually, I envy Zuma and I would love to provide inhlawulo to not a small number of ladies, starting with the deputy editor of The Spectator the second she gives me the green light. Alas, all I get is the red signal despite the fact that my wallet is bulging with prospective inhlawulo pounds and dollars. (No one accepts euros any more, especially not for inhlawulo purposes). Mind you, we are all Zulus now. Didn't the ghastly John Terry pay inhlawulo to that cute little French madamoiselle?"
And so he goes on, at some length. Taki is variously described as "outrageous". "fascist" and a number of other things – but he's undeniably funny. The design to seduce his own deputy editor is vintage Taki.
Free speech
SOME years ago I was at a freedom of expression conference in France. Some delegates noted the anomaly of free speech allowing for all kinds of objectionable writing. An American actually mentioned Taki, who had been saying some robust things about Hillary Clinton.
I argued for Taki on the grounds that he's hilariously funny, whether you agree with him or not.
I attracted no applause.
Tailpiece
She asked a famous artist if he would paint her in the nude. He said that would be fine but he'd have to keep his socks on, otherwise he'd have nowhere to put his brushes.
Last word
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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