Unscripted drama
EVER since the dashing Dr Kildare appeared on the scene, the hospital accident and emergency departments have provided a never-ending source of film and television material, romance mixed in with the medical drama.
Here are some actual and unscripted items from British hospitals, as told by the doctors themselves:
· "A man dashed into the A&E department and yelled: 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. After protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - and I was in the wrong one." - St Andrew's Hospital, Glasgow.
· "At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient." - St.Thomas's Hospital, Bath
· "During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.
'The patch; the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it.' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body.Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one." - Norfolk General Hospital.
· "While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered: 'Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was still alive.'" Maidenhead Royal, Kent
· "I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked: 'So how was your breakfast this morning?' He replied: 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. I then asked to see the jelly and he produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'" - Bristol Infirmary.
· A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo that read: 'Keep off the grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read: 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Knightsbridge General Hospital, London.
Dotted line
THE ABOVE recalls an incident in Maritzburg when a friend of mine – a wag of note - was admitted to Grey's Hospital to have his appendix out.
He went through the normal preparation. But when he was stretched out on the operating table, anaesthetised, the surgical team found he had a dotted line drawn on the lower right of his abdomen with a marker pen. An instruction read: "To open, cut along dotted line."
The doctors freaked. Sterile conditions had been compromised. He had to be wheeled out and brought back again next day. In the interim he got watched harder than a wounded bank robber.
G-spot a myth
THE BRITISH satirical magazine, Private Eye, has debunked the long-held theory of the G-spot.
"Researchers have finally dispelled the long-standing theory of the so-called G-spot," it reports.
"The G-spot was named after Gordon Brown and was believed for a while to produce both pleasure and satisfaction.
"However, scientists have now proved beyond doubt that there is no evidence at all to support such a claim.
"Said one leading expert: 'There is no point at which Gordon Brown makes you excited. This is a fantasy and it only leads to disappointment and depression.'"
Let's hear nothing of the JZ-spot.
Tailpiece
HE DOESN'T drink anything stronger than pop. Mind you, Pop will drink anything.
Last word
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
E. Joseph Cossman
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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