Great slapstick
IN CASE people come to believe we have a monopoly in this country over political slapstick – elephant sculptures, millionaire youth activists, multiple wives and love children – it is as well to shift focus now and then; realise that others are also in the game.
Downing Street is currently putting in a very strong challenge in the comedy stakes. As a general election approaches in Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is suddenly beset by allegations that he is a bully.
It comes from a book by Observer journalist Andrew Rawnsley, who claims a senior civil servant had to take Mr Brown to task for the way he was treating junior civil servants inside No 10 – apparently seizing them by the lapels and shouting at them.
As the book is being serialised in a Sunday newspaper, full details have not yet emerged. But Mr Brown has appeared on television, denying that he ever hit anyone. Eh? Nobody said he had. Not yet anyway.
Meanwhile, another story has been doing the rounds on the talk shows of a stenographer being pushed out of her chair by Mr Brown.
The stories are all of them strongly denied by two of Mr Brown's trusted lieutenants, a man with the unusual name of Ed Balls and another called Sir Alan Sugar – neither of them ideal names in the context of credibility.
Then a woman named Christine Pratt (I kid you not) weighed in. She runs a charity known as the National Bullying Helpline (again I kid you not), and she said they had received complaints from No 10 staff of bullying, though she was a bit vague as to who was actually accused of doing the slapping, pushing, shoving and swearing – or whatever.
The thing is now being eclipsed by another controversy, this time over whether the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Allister Darling (he of the racoon-like black eyebrows and unmatching silver-grey head of hair), who lives in No 11 Downing Street, meant his prime minister when he said on TV this week that "the forces of hell" had been unleashed on him when he ventured to question the official line on the recession.
All this is great knockabout stuff, classy entertainment. Julius Malema and his associates need to freshen up their script. Luthuli House could be upstaged by Downing Street.
Local bullies?
HAS THERE ever been bullying at Tuynhuis and such places? Not lately, I'd say.
Nelson Mandela was a keen boxer in his youth but was just not the type to whack staff. Thabo Mbeki – he was buried in books of English literature, not his style. Jacob Zuma? Nosirree - make love, not war!
One says "not lately" because PW Botha – the Groot Krokodil - a former occupant of Tuynhuis, was said to be not averse to administering a klap or two to those in his entourage who displeased him. Once parliament was abuzz with the story that he'd flung his Cape party provincial leader bodily about his office as they disagreed over some issue. PW certainly had a volcanic temper. His nickname among the BOSS spooks was "Vesuvius".
We had no national bullying helpline. But somehow I think it wouldn't have helped much anyway.
Bang booth
AIRPORT security is the new challenge. A reader sends in a solution he says comes from an engineer who was once a project manager with Nasa.
"Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
"It would be a win-win for everyone. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!"
Wow, drastic! But can you fault the logic?
Elephants
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, weighs in on the controversy over the elephant sculptures.
Durban's wonderful sculptured elephants,
Designed to uplift all its residents;
Alas, now through spite,
Placed out of sight,
To satisfy party-political sycophants!
Tailpiece
A SCOTSMAN takes a huge urine specimen jar to a clinic and pays to have it analysed. When the results come back, there is no sign of any illness. He gets on the telephone: "It's me, Wullie. Tell your Aunty Mary there's nothing wrong with you, her, me, Grandpa or the dog."
Last word
Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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