What a woman wants
WHAT is it that a woman wants in a man? Sociologists have been conducting research, coming up with results that suggest women's requirements change over time, becoming simpler and less demanding.
For women aged 22 a man must be: Handsome; charming; financially successful; a caring listener; witty; in good shape; a stylish dresser; appreciative of the finer things; full of thoughtful surprises;
For women aged 32, he has to be: Nice-looking; an opener of car doors and holder of chairs; possessed of enough money for a nice dinner; a listener rather than a talker; amused by my jokes;
an easy carrier of grocery bags; the owner of at least one tie; appreciative of a good home-cooked meal; one who remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
For women aged 42, he has to be: Not too ugly; patient – he doesn't drive off until I'm in the car; a steady worker who occasionally splurges on dinner out; a listener who nods while I'm talking; a man who usually remembers jokes' punchlines; in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture; wearer of a shirt that covers his stomach; one who knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids; a man who remembers to put down the toilet seat; a man who shaves most weekends.
For women aged 52 he has to be: Free of untrimmed hair in nose and ears; a non-belcher or scratcher in public; a non-frequent borrower of money; a man who doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting; a man who doesn't retell the same joke too many times; in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends; in the habit of usually wearing matching socks and fresh underwear; appreciative of a good TV dinner; able to remember your name on occasion; in the habit of shaving some weekends.
For women aged 62: Doesn't scare small children; remembers where the bathroom is; doesn't require much money for upkeep; snores only lightly; remembers why he's laughing; is in good enough shape to stand up by himself; usually wears some clothes; likes soft foods; remembers where he left his teeth; remembers it's the weekend.
For women aged 72: Breathing; doesn't miss the toilet.
Yes, the demands become considerably easier as the years pass. It should be a great encouragement to young, recently-married men who are wondering what hit them. We await with interest the results of research into what men require of women as time goes by.
What's your poison?
REGULAR correspondent Tom Dennen appears to have been spending some time in his native America. He relates a fishing story.
"I finally got around to going fishing for bass one day but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
"Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
"Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
"His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake and carried on my fishing with the frog.
"A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth."
Nicotine as poison
THE above recalls an incident in my schooldays when our Zulu gardener found a snake – a redlip herald, slightly venomous – trying to swallow a frog.
He pinned its head to the ground, removed the frog (which was already dead) then pushed a blade of grass down the stem of his pipe. Then he dragged the tar and nicotine-coated blade of grass through the snake's mouth. Then he let it go.
The unfortunate snake went through paroxysms, trying sluggishly to strike. In about 10 minutes it keeled over and died.
Jack Daniels might be OK for snakes, it seems, but pipe tobacco is not. What does it not do to humans? It certainly didn't put off Charlie the gardener, he puffed at his pipe all day.
Tailpiece
WHAT'S black, lives in a tree and is deadly dangerous?
A crow with a shotgun.
Last word
In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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