The vooma of Zuma
MICHELANGELO turns wordsmith. Recent happy events in the presidential circle have inspired Tony Grogan, who draws the Crack of Dawn cartoon on this newspaper's front page every day, to dash out a few stanzas under the title: Daddy of the Nation.
Zuma aims his umshini gun
Bang! In the oven is another bun.
He prances on the stage of life
And sings and takes himself another wife
What gives our Zuma all his vooma?
What makes the man to tick?
There's speculation and much rumour.
The ACDP thinks he's sick.
Perhaps the medics have a word to coin
To describe the itch within his groin,
But Zuma claims it is his culture
Makes him prey on women like a vulture.
Many say he's being obtuse
While Helen says it's no excuse.
His friends say,"Fie, there's no excess.
The fault lies plainly with the press!".
Others shrug and don't ask why.
They say he's just a friendly guy
Who's at his ease
And likes to please
And girls succumbing to his charms
He comforts in embracing arms.
So what's the fuss?
Our President ... is really just like us.
His message is to condomise
For Aids can spread like rabies
But does he try one on for size?
Oh no, he makes more babies.
In fact the last count there were twenty,
Which any normal man would think is plenty.
At this rate we just think it sad
Soon all the nation's kids will call him "Dad".
Home solutions?
IS IT TIME for home solutions to the great national issues? The business section of the St Petersburg Times, Florida, recently appealed to readers for ideas on how they would fix the American economy.
One respondent had a very neat solution:
"Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the 'Patriotic Retirement Plan':
"There are about 40 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
* They MUST retire, creating 40 million job openings. Unemployment is fixed.
* They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars are ordered – the auto industry is fixed.
* They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – the property crisis is fixed.
"It can't get any easier than that!
"If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes. And make congressmen retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programmes would be fixed pronto!"
The proposal has an elegance and neatness that suggests many solutions must be just waiting out there with the ordinary, practical people who make things work day to day.
And why only in America? What solutions to our problems in South Africa are not just waiting out there to be presented? (But let us not get bogged down in such things as multiple marriage rebates and child support grants by the score).
Creatures of habit
A group of 40-year-old golfing buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. They decide to meet at Mario's restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses.
Ten years later, at 50, the group meet again. They again choose Mario's because the food and wine selection are very good.
Another 10 years later, at 60, they meet yet again to discuss where they should have dinner. They decide on Mario's because it has peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.
Ten years later again, at age 70, the group meets and again they discuss the dinner venue. They decide on Mario's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and it has a lift.
Yet another 10 years later, aged 80, the group meet to discuss the dinner venue. They decide on Mario's because they've never been there before.
Tailpiece
A MAN is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him over the head with a frying pan.
"What's that for?".
"It's for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Jenny' on it!"
"Jenny's the name of the horse I bet on at the races last week."
The wife apologises.
Three days later he's watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head again, this time with an even bigger frying pan.
"What now?"
"Your horse phoned!"
Last word
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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