The Idler, Friday, February 12, 2010

Tanjooberrymutts

 

AS A SERVICE to readers who might be making a business trip to Hong Kong or Singapore – or perhaps going there on holiday – this quick introduction to the local English dialect of those parts should prove useful.

 

A former colleague, now working in Hong Kong, says that by the time you get to the end of this crash introduction, you should understand the meaning of the expression: "Tanjooberrymutts".

 

The setting is a five-star hotel. The dialogue is by internal telephone.

 

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees ... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh ... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den? ... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry ... scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. Ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I ... don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes! Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglishmoppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'toast' ... Fine ... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter ... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy ... tea ... meel?

"Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please ... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome."

 

 

 

Familiar ring

 

AN 18-YEAR-OLD girl falls pregnant. Her distraught mother demands: "Who is the pig that did this to you?"

The girl picks up the phone. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and says: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a R12 million bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a R14 million bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and R12 million.

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

The father places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says: "Then you try again, Boet!"

 

It has a familiar ring but has no relevance to our presidency.

 

Whoops (again)!

 

MEA CULPA! Reader David Pagan points out that I was wrong in saying Doris Day starred with Rock Hudson in The Pajama Game. It was John Raitt.

 

Worse, Rodney Kenyon also makes the point and says this is the second time I've made the same mistake. He's getting worried about my fixation with Rock Hudson.

 

David says he recently saw The Pajama Game again – "its awfulness is etched on my brain".

 

"Rock Hudson appeared with Doris Day in a series of risque (for the time) comedies, the best known of which was Pillow Talk. There was a joke around at the time that these were the movies in which Doris Day became a virgin."

 

Yes, I was thinking of Pillow Talk. Pillows, pyjamas, what the heck!

 

David says that when Rock Hudson went into decline with Aids, Doris Day gave him every support. The films might have been awful but she was a good woman.

 

 

Tailpiece

Patient: "I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me."

Psychologist: "Tell me about it."

Patient: "I just did, you stupid bastard!"

Last word

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

GRAHAM LINSCOTT