Romance in print
THE LONELYHearts columns provide some arresting material. There was the famous item in the Farmers' Weekly: "Free State farmer seeks woman with tractor with a view to marriage. Please send photograph of tractor."
There was another in one of the Fleet Street papers: "Man with wooden leg seeks stout widow of 40". Life is indeed a kaleidoscope.
There's a jauntiness to the entries in Private Eye magazine: "Well-travelled mature lady seeks a gentleman for an occasional adventure." Or: "Adventurous, open-minded lady sought by mature chap (Devon) for exploration of the Basque country early summer 2010. Luxury cabin on ferry to Spain, good hotels/food/wine. Let's meet to discuss possibilities. No strings, no commitments."
Now a scout sends some items from Scotland. Romance is not dead in those parts:
· Chartered accountant 42 seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
· Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde with big chest.
· Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
· Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sachiehall Street at three in the morning.
· Grossly overweight Buckie turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
· Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
· Ginger-haired Paisely troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
· Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, please!
· Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30 pm.
SOME riddles, designed to fight off Alzheimer's:
* A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years Which room is safest for him?
* A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for five minutes. Finally, she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and have a great evening. How can this be?
* What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
* Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday.
* This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching.
Answers:
* The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
* The woman is a photographer. She shoots a picture of her husband, develops it, and hangs it up to dry.
* Charcoal, as it is used to braai.
* Three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
* The letter "e" is the most common in the English language yet it does not appear once in the paragraph.
Tailpiece
AN ACCORDION player is driving home from a late-night gig. He pulls over at a diner for coffee then, while waiting, remembers he left his accordion in full view on the back seat of the car.
He rushes back to the car but it's too late. Somebody has smashed the window and thrown in two more accordions.
Last word
When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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