Like Barnacle
Bill the
Sailor
HEY, you can learn something new every day. I find myself down at the Oceanographic Research Institute – that's the scientific component of uShaka Marine World – for a book launch.
The book is Animals of the Rocky Shore (Flora & Fauna Publications Trust), by Judy and Bruce Mann, a delightful little field guide to what gives character to our East Coast shoreline.
That's the rockiness, the high energy surf and the little creatures that inhabit the rock pools and are so vital a part of the ecological web on which we all ultimately rely. You just don't get this particular ecology elsewhere.
The book is beautifully illustrated – getting the photographs was the main challenge – and many will now be able to identify what they have observed over the years in the rock pools, often mistaking (like me) animal life for plant life. Fascinating stuff.
Judy and Bruce gave a talk on the book and Judy gave a rundown on how mankind's degradation of the oceans threatens the planet's survival. "But no need to slit your wrists just yet. It can be reversed if we've the will to do it."
The something new? Oh, yes. Who of us was aware that the male barnacle has a sex life to make any Hollywood stud green with envy? One doesn't want to get too explicit in a respectable newspaper, but the little feller is magnificently endowed (in proportion, of course) and he needs it to keep all those lady barnacles happy.
It's all happening in the rock pools.
Tailpiece
SARS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Sars office. The Sars auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor: "Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Sars finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment. "Okay, go ahead."
"I'll bet you R1 000 I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks again. "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
"Now, I'll bet you R2 000 I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
"Want to go double or quits? I'll bet you R6 000 I can stand one side of your desk, and widdle into that wastebasket on the other side, and land never a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious. But there's no way this old guy can manage that stunt. He agrees again.
Grandpa strains mightily but he just doesn't have the range. Splosh! There's a terrible mess on the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy. A major loss has become a huge win.
Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands
"What's wrong?" the auditor asks.
"This morning Grandpa bet me R25 000 he could come in here and swazz all over your desk - and you'd be happy."
Don't mess with old people.
Last word
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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