What can lift
this national
gloom?
IT'S the end of the road in the Super 12 competition for both the Sharks and the Bulls … it's very close to the end of the road in the Cricket World Cup for the Proteas.
Is there anything to lift the country's spirits? Will Bafana Bafana pull something off? Unlikely so far. Are we totally reliant on the gals in the Netball World Cup in Liverpool next month?
Have things ever been more dismal?
One senses shock and regret even among our opponents that the Proteas just didn't come to the party in England, didn't do themselves justice.
Here's what Andy Zaltzman, humorist and BBC cricket columnist has to say about it.
"In a tournament that has largely proceeded according to form, rankings and expectations, South Africa are the one team who have significantly diverged from predictions.
"They have bowled adequately, but not in the manner of a team that, coming into the tournament, possessed two of the top five in the ODI rankings (Kagiso Rabada and Imran Tahir).
"As a team, they have batted with the fluency of a rhinoceros trying to play a Beethoven piano sonata during a rough ocean crossing on a slightly leaky 17th-century warship.
"Their batsmen collectively have the third lowest strike-rate (81 per 100 balls), ahead only of Sri Lanka and Afghanistan. No team has scored a lower percentage of its runs off the bat in boundaries (42%)."
(This was written soon after the New Zealand match).
"Only Sri Lanka have scored boundaries less frequently - South Africa have reached or cleared the rope once every 12.6 balls; England's figure is 7.8; six other teams are between nine and 10.
"Over the course of a 50-over innings, South Africa are averaging more than 70 boundary runs fewer than England, 35-45 fewer than most other teams in the tournament, and around 30 fewer than they themselves were averaging in ODIs played in between the last World Cup and this one.
"It has been a strange decline that even the absence of the wizardry of AB de Villiers cannot fully explain."
Zaltzman is so right. It's alarming. Will this decline seep into our Test cricket where we're still fourth in the world rankings? How realistic is that ranking?
A snotklap for the Aussies in the final ODI would work wonders for morale. But will it happen? I'm afraid we're absolutely dependent on Bafana and the netball gals.
Out of nowhere
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops".
Tailpiece
A POLICEMAN in England pulls over a driver who has been weaving on the road.
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."
But the driver reaches into his pocket and pulls out a doctor's note. "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."
"Okay, then I need you to come down and give a blood sample."
The driver produces another doctor's note. "This man is a haemophilliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
"Right, I need a urine sample then."
He produces another letter from his pocket. "This man plays cricket for South Africa. Please don't take the piss out of him."
Last word
There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. - Alice Thomas Ellis
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