The Idler, Monday, June 24, 2019

Robbery

at banana-

point

A MAN who robbed a bank while using a banana as an imitation firearm has been jailed for 14 months. He threatened a cashier at a Barclays branch in Bournemouth, England, with a banana wrapped in a plastic bag, shouting: "This is a stick-up, give me the cash!"

He took £1 100 in cash (R20 108) before handing himself in at a nearby police station, according to Sky News.

How odd. Whatever could have possessed him? Was he perhaps a follower of Monty Python's Flying Circus, that wonderful TV show in days of yore?

Who remembers the sketch of the regimental sergeant-major teaching a squad how to defend themselves against a man armed with a banana?

RSM : "Right! Bananas! 'Ow to defend yourself against a man armed wiv a banana. 'Ere, you, take this." (Throws  a banana) "Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend. First of all, you force him to drop the banana, next you eat the banana, thus disarming 'im. You 'ave now rendered 'im 'elpless."
	"Suppose he's got a bunch."
	"Shut up! "
	"Suppose he's got a pointed stick."
	"Shut up! Right now you, Mr Apricot."
	"Harrison."
	"Harrison, Mr Harrison. Come at me with that banana then. Come on, attack me wiv it. As 'ard as you like. Come on! No no no! Put something into it! Hold it, like that. Scream! Now come on, come on...attack me, come on, come on!" Harrison runs towards him shouting; RSM draws a revolver and fires it right in Harrison's face. "Now...I eat the banana …"
	All (in chorus): "You shot him. He's dead...dead. He's completely dead. You've shot him."
	RSM (finishing the banana): "I have now eaten the banana. The deceased Mr Apricot is now disarmed."
	"You shot him. You shot him dead."
	"Well 'e was attacking me wiv a banana."
	"Well, you told him to."
	"Look, I'm only doing me job. I 'ave to show you 'ow to defend yourselves against fresh fruit."
	"And pointed sticks."
	"Shut up!"
	"Supposing someone came at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?"
	"Run for it."
	"You could stand and scream for help?"
	"You try that with a pineapple down your windpipe."
	"A pineapple?"
	RSM (jumping with fear): "Where? Where?"
	"Nowhere. I was just saying 'pineapple'."
	"Oh blimey, I thought my number was on that one …"   Wonderful stuff, though they say Monty Python is an acquired taste. I acquired it in London many years ago at a time the pubs didn't have TV and they emptied at Monty Python broadcast time as everyone went home to watch. .

 

Taking the rap

AMERICAN female rapper Cardi B – a former stripper - has been formally charged with assault, relating to a fight at a New York City strip club in the Queens precinct.

She was arrested, according to the BBC, for allegedly ordering an attack by her fans on two bartenders at Angels NYC, named as Jade and Baddie G.

On the bench, no doubt, will be Judgee D, the opposing lawyers being Prossie Q and Attorn E.

What's a gal with a name like "Jade" doing mixed up in all this?

Tailpiece

NEWSFLASH – Irish special forces were parachuted into Russia last week with orders to "take out" Vladimir Putin.

So far he's been to the cinema twice … and last night they went ten-pin bowling.

Last word

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. - Bob Wells