Metaphysics
and the
mistress
A READER in England has returned a library book 52 years after it was borrowed, enclosing a £100 cheque (R1 852) to cover the fine.
The manager of Lowestoft Library, in Suffolk, said she was amazed when the copy of The Metaphysical Poets arrived in the post - along with a covering letter explaining the delay.
"They writers said they had settled after moving around a lot and discovered the book. They were very embarrassed and I can only think they took it out while staying in Lowestoft in the late 1960s."
The book, which has a date stamp showing it was due back in 1967, will be returned to the library's collection.
Ah yes, the 17th century metaphysical poets. They could be rather raunchy. How about these less explicit bits of John Donne's To His Mistress Going to Bed?
Off with that girdle, like heaven's Zone glistering,
But a far fairer world encompassing.
Unpin that spangled breastplate which you wear,
That th'eyes of busy fools may be stopped there.
Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime,
Tells me from you, that now it is bed time …
Your gown going off, such beauteous state reveals,
As when from flowery meads th'hill's shadow steals ….
To teach thee, I am naked first; why then
What needst thou have more covering than a man.
Yes, it's enough to make anyone forgetful of library return dates.
Tiny fatsos
WHAT is causing this obesity among rats and other creatures in northern Europe? Recently we discussed the case of a fat rat that got stuck in a manhole cover in Germany and had to be rescued by firemen.
Now, according to Sky News, a plump hedgehog that got stuck in a gate in Austria had to be cut free by firefighters using heavy-duty equipment. Graz fire brigade used hydraulic claws, normally used to help cut people out of crashed cars, to prise apart the bars of the gate.
They're causing a lot of nuisance, these wee fatsos.
Take it back!
HERE'S something to make the plastic users think twice. Malaysia has said it will send back 3 000 tons of non-recyclable plastic waste to countries including Britain, America, Australia and Canada, according to Sky News.
Sixty shipping containers filled with contaminated waste have been smuggled into illegal processing facilities in the country, says Environment Minister Yeo Bee Yin.
Ten containers will be sent back within two weeks, she says, as Malaysia takes action to avoid becoming a dumping ground for rich countries.
Maybe that's the way to stop this plague of plastic that threatens to choke to death our oceans. Stop it at source. Get people back to using paper bags and cardboard containers as they once did without any problem.
Tailpiece
SHERLOCK Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. Holmes says: "Watson, behold the heavens, the thousands upon thousands of glittering stars. What do they tell you?"
"Astronomically, my dear Holmes, they tell me of the vastness of the universe. Horologically, they tell me it is approaching midnight. Astrologically, they tell me Mars is in conjunction with Venus. Philosophically, they tell me of mankind's insignificance in the greater universe. What do they tell you, Holmes?"
"My dear Watson, they tell me some blighter has stolen our tent."
Last word
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. - Mark Twain
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