The Idler Thursday, June 27, 2019

Adventure

in Namibia –

Ee ba goom!

 

TODAY we have a real-life adventure story, a thrilling yarn set in the wilds of Africa. Starring are Aussie Dick Cocks, who came out here years ago to play rugger for DHS Old Boys and Natal (between time spent pounding the piano); went on to become a Natal selector; then eventually went back to the billabong after we won the Currie Cup for the first time in 1990.

Co-starring are a team of his Aussie cobbers, all of them with their better halves. Plus a Kiwi accompanied by his better threequarters.

Plus a Yorkshireman, who Cocksy played with for DHSOB, and his missus, who they picked up here in Durban to join their safari to Namibia, Zululand, Swaziland (which they now call Eswatini), Kruger National Park and Mozambique. As you read this, they are at Tembe Elephant Park, just beneath the Mozambique border, sipping Laurentina and Deux M.

The Yorkshireman actually overshadows the other stars in this story, for an adventure that befell him on the Namibia leg of the safari. It would be invidious and unfair to identify him. To save possible embarrassment we shall use the code name Dave 'Oodson (though he might be recognised by other habitues of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties).

One night in Namibia, our Dave drank a quantity of lemonade then fell into the Okavango River, which flows past their camp chalets. The Okavango teems with crocodiles, hippo, pythons and other creatures generally termed undesirable for swimming with. .

The Aussies and the Kiwi went in after him to pull him out. They succeeded. But not before there was panic and pandemonium among the crocodile and hippo population of the river when they realised a Yorkshireman was in their midst. The crocodiles scuttled away downstream, followed by the hippos bellowing in terror.

It's caused a temporary ecological crisis on that stretch of river. There are no crocs and hippos for the tourists to watch.

"You've got to remember that a Yorkshireman is an alien and noxious species," said a spokesman for the Namibian parks department. "Those crocs and hippos would get a fright having Aussies and a Kiwi in the water with them, that's true. But they would recover soon enough. However, a Yorkshireman – that's different.

"We have to be very careful not to upset the natural environment. This is a wake-up call. We have a lot of wild parrots along that stretch of river. We don't want them saying things like 'Ee ba goom!', 'Eyoop, lad!' and 'On Ilkley Moor baht'at'. It would upset the balance of nature.

"Also, we're disturbed by reports that this Yorkshireman actually kissed one of the female crocodiles. If that's true, we'll have to find her and offer her counselling. No crocodile can cope with being kissed by a Yorkshireman. It's a very tricky situation that's arisen …"

Tricky indeed. And the really odd thing is that our Dave 'Oodson remembers nothing at all about it. Post-traumatic stress, I guess. We wait with bated breath to learn what transpired at Tembe. Fraternising with the baboons? Watch this space.

Nowt so queer as folk.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

THIS fellow walks into a bar with a crocodile.

He asks the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Yes, of course."

"Great, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my crocodile."

 

Last word

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward