Hiss when
the Mad Hatter
comes on
THIS Brexit pantomime you just couldn't make up. The British prime minister has had to step down, defeated and humiliated by the imbroglio. The race is on among the Tories for her position.
One of the front-runners admits he used to indulge in cocaine, though he now regrets it. Another contender says he once smoked opium at a wedding in Iran – and also regrets it.
Can the Mad Hatter be far away? This is the party of Churchill?
Who will step forward next admitting to having chewed kwat in Bahrain or to smoking a zol of Durban Poison while on holiday here? Maybe they've all been smoking something.
Boris Johnson is talking tough about "no deal" Brexit and non-payment of the £39 billion divorce settlement.
What's he on? The Tories don't have a majority in the House of Commons. A lot of the Tories are remainers anyway. And the Commons has made it clear that a "no deal" Brexit is off the table.
It's a pantomime to be sure. Hiss when you see the Mad Hatter.
Mystery woman
MEANWHILE, the New Yorker runs a report about a woman quitting her job after being forced to spend the better part of a week with Donald Trump.
She's quoted saying she spent years trying to get the job but having to endure several days in the company of Trump convinced her that "life is too short."
"Had I known that I also would have to spend hours listening to Donald Trump talk, I certainly would have applied for a different position."
"Whoever gets my job should be warned: at some point, you may have to spend a week with Donald Trump. Are you really up for that?"
Satirist Andy Borowitz doesn't name this mystery woman but the piece is illustrated by a picture of Donald Trump with Theresa May.
Ice cream ops
IT'S Operation Meltdown in New York. City investigators have seized 46 ice cream vans after their owner was accused of evading more than $4.5million (R66m) in traffic fines since 2009.
The operation targeted New York Ice Cream for thousands of traffic safety violations such as running red lights, parking near fire hydrants and blocking pedestrian crossings.
The vans picked up 22 000 tickets but, according to Sky News, the owner avoided paying by creating dozens of "shell" companies and switching ownership of the vehicles all the time.
On top of all this, there's a Mafia-style turf war in New York between Mister Softee and Master Softee ice cream.
Ice cream loses its innocence.
Clowns
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "What's the difference between a singles bar and a circus? In a circus the clowns don't talk to you."
Blowtorch bungle
TWO burglars used a blowtorch on an ATM machine on Okaloosa Island, just off the coast of Florida, according to Huffington Post.
Video surveillance showed them at work on the boardwalk, one keeping lookout and the other busy with the blowtorch.
But in the end they walked away with nothing. The heat of the blowtorch welded shut the ATM's hinges so they could not get at the money.
Duh! It's a pity the video surveillance doesn't pick up sound as well. The conversation as they left could have been interesting.
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Tailpiece
STAY composed. Eat a live toad first thing every morning, and nothing worse can happen all day.
Last word
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. - Henry Kissinger
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