Locker room election
AS THE American presidential election plumbs depths of inanity that could not have been imagined at the outset - not even in these dumbed-down times - news comes from Moscow that President Vladimir Putin has cancelled a joint campaign appearance with Donald Trump that had been planned for a rally in Columbus, Ohio.
"As the father of two daughters, I cannot condone or defend Mr. Trump's behaviour," the Russian leader said in a curt official statement..
Of course that's not true. It appeared in the New Yorker, another piece of satire by Andy Borowitz. But Borowitz is the only one these days who makes any sort of sense.
"Locker room talk"; groping of women on aeroplanes; attitudes toward women. Yes, it's all vital to choosing a leader to grapple with issues like the powderkeg in Syria, the deliberate bombing of civilians, deepening hostility between the West and Russia, that could ignite at any moment.
But the American election is now a matter of only weeks away. May it come before they get around to discussing what girls say about men in locker rooms. That could plunge the entire world into turmoil.
Meanwhile, back to more wholesome politics – apparently spurious criminal charges against the minister responsible for drawing up and presenting the national budget plus cracking down on government mismanagement and corruption; mysterious billions leaving the accounts of people with friends in high places; high court action by No 1; high court action by the Minister of Finance; the public protector being given the slip; criminal charges by opposition parties against the people with friends in high places; 783 criminal charges against No 1 still unaccountably floating about ...
It's all rather alarming. But at least it's not locker room talk.
Buffer zone
THIS suggestion that bars should not be allowed within 500m of a church seems perfectly ridiculous.
If a parson wants to slip out for a quiet pint before evensong, what's the harm? Okay, if they start overdoing it and getting the marriage service back- to- front, that might be different.
But then surely it's for the churches to discipline their own clergy.
Stacked calls
RECORDED message: "Your call is important to us. Please hold until it is no longer important to you …"
Another battle
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers …
PETER Quantrill, historian and former officer in the British Gurkha Regiment, refers to last week's 950th anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, and says another anniversary comes up this month.
"The battle of Hastings, 1066, was indeed fearsome, but arguably not as fearsome as the battle of Agincourt, fought against France in October 1415.
"The English, outnumbered two to one, faced the French opposite a deep valley. Immediately prior to the battle, the French unfurled the sacred red banner of France, known as the Oriflamme. This banner was an order for the French that no prisoners were to be taken, and all wounded to be killed.
"The English, with their Welsh bowmen and Scottish allies, were aware of the consequences of the Oriflamme and reacted accordingly; they fought for their lives and the pride of France headed for a date with death.
"October 25 is celebrated annually in the UK, but not in France."
Consumption
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Ee ba goom! They say South Africa's liquor consumption is goin' through roof? Ah'm goin' back ter Yorkshire to 'elp get England in lead again."
Houdini
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, captures in verse the drama of the moment.
Houdini was an escapist of note,
But there's one quicker who gets the vote;
Even Madonsela
Could not nail our fella!
And the new Protector hasn't a hope.
Tailpiece
A SCOTSMAN takes a huge jar of urine to the lab for analysis. A few days later they notify him – nothing untoward detected. He picks up the phone: "It's me, Wullie. Tell Aunty Mary there's nithin wrang with her, you, me, Grandpa or the dog."
Last word
There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
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