Sunday, November 20, 2016

The Idler, Monday,, November 14, 2016

Trump enthusiasm

THE Canadian-American border - almost 9 000 km long – has become the fault line for Trump anxiety, according to this item on the BBC. Late last Tuesday night, as Trump edged closer to victory, the Canadian government's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed due to what officials called "a significant increase in the volume of traffic."

The traffic came overwhelmingly and suddenly from the US, they said.

Various American celebrities have apparently threatened to move north of the border.

It becomes increasingly urgent for our government to build a wall around the whole of South Africa to keep out American refugees – then send the bill to the Americans.

Meanwhile, is it imagination or has the hair of British foreign secretary Boris Johnson turned a deeper shade of orange since the success of Donald Trump?

Johnson was rudely dismissive of the orange-haired Trump's intellectual qualities during the American election campaign. Now that he's won, Johnson himself appears, his carefully tousled locks that subtley deeper shade, appealing for people to be positive about Trump's victory; to end the "whingerama". All of it in the most Etonian of tones.

Is this a dawning of the age of the orange-thatched politicos? The Orangutans?

 

Components

MARKETING is a vital component of the modern free market economy. It has various sub-components, as set out in an economic analysis that comes this way.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say: "I'm fantastic in bed" – that's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says: "She's fantastic in bed" – that's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say: "I'm fantastic in bed" – that's Telemarketing.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say: "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brush your breast lightly against his arm and then say: "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed" – that's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and you see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says: I hear you're fantastic in bed" – that's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend – that's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you – that's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realise there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb on to the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs: "I'm fantastic in bed!" – that's Facebook.

 

You're at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass – that's Donald Trump.

 

You don't mind it but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement – that's America!

 

No hat-trick

OH BOY! We were hoping for a kind of hat-trick – the Proteas skittling the Aussies on the first day's play; Bafana Bafana pulling it off against Senegal; then the Boks at Twickenham. Some hope!

 

We now rely on Pravin Gordhan to rescue Springbok rugby. All he has to do is get the exchange rates back into kilter – R2 to the pound, three dollars to the rand – so that the 300-odd South African players in the northern hemisphere come back to play in the Currie Cup and be available for the Boks

 

Impossible task? It's nothing like Allister Coetzee's.

 

Election drama

IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on the American presidential election.

Poor Hillary has come down with a bump,

Being superceded by a fellow called Trump;

So, while some are in tears,

Many will have fears

That Donald will behave like a chump.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

A STREAKER runs through a golf club with a towel covering his face. He runs past three lady members.

 

"At least that's not my husband," says one.

 

"No, it isn't," says the second.

 

"He isn't even a club member," says the third.

 

 

Last word

 

In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.

Johann von Neumann

 

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