Steady boys, steady
LAST Friday was our first real day of a Durban summer. I found myself togged out in a penguin suit, being driven in a taxi to Royal Natal Yacht Club.
Why was I in such splendid garb, the taxi driver wanted to know. It was for the Trafalgar Dinner, I said - very formal. As some background seemed appropriate, I explained that it celebrated a famous victory by Admiral Nelson over the French, using revolutionary new tactics at sea.
He seemed intrigued. "I still think the Springboks will beat the French," he said as he dropped me off.
I had a feeling we hadn't quite connected.
But inside there was no doubting what we were about. Everything very formal – a Scots piper, strict Royal Navy protocols, loyal toasts and the correct passing of the port. And beneath this veneer a torrent of pungent scatological humour, which became increasingly strident as the dinner progressed and the port and starboard watches competed to shock.
I felt sorry for a regimental chaplain present. He kept having to say: "I didn't hear that!" as he put on a practised straight face. Very naughty, these sailormen can be.
Guest speaker was Captain Nick Sloane (a member of the club), a maritime salvage expert who achieved fame not too long ago for his sensational refloating and recovery – against all the odds - of the Costa Concordia, the Italian cruise ship that ran aground on an island off Tuscany when the skipper was, er, distracted in his navigation by the presence on the bridge of a popsy.
These salvage blokes get around. Ships get into trouble in the most awkward and far-flung places. Tim was committed to the dinner but the day before was still in India. He flew into Dubai at 4am on Friday, then took a flight to Cape Town, where he lives. Then he took a flight to Durban, getting in just in time for the dinner. Trafalgar Dinners have high priority.
Was he going to give us a plan for the salvaging of South Africa's rugby fortunes? If he has one – which would make the Costa Concordia operation seem like chickenfeed – he kept it to himself, instead talking about Horatio Nelson, the way he transformed naval warfare and the way he devoted his entire life to duty; and the way he was shunted about the oceans of the world by a not very caring admiralty.
In fact he saw a parallel between Nelson's constant emergencies and the disjointed life of a salvage skipper. Except, of course, that Nelson sank them, Nick refloats them
Much badinage afterwards in the Britannia Room and some fascinating talk of shipping disasters. And so to bed. As they say in the Royal Navy: Steady, boys, steady.
Midmar
WHERE did Nick Sloane first salvage a vessel? It was at Midmar dam near Howick, just after he'd left school, when a yacht sank in one of those fierce busters you get there, the wind sweeping down from the Impendle hills and causing waves bigger than anything you find in Durban harbour.
They returned next day when it was calm and refloated the yacht with buoyancy bags.
I can vouch for those Midmar busters. A few of us went out in an outboard motorboat once to help some folk who'd lost their mast. It was like taking a skiboat through the surf.
When we got back to shore, the waves just crashed into the boat, filling it with mud. We rescued the outboard motor. When we came back next day, the boat was high and dry, the bows just poking out from under the silt.
Refloating was not an option.
Currie Cup
What a great Currie Cup final it was. Fast and furious from the very start. The players (Free State especially) stepping into gaps instead of running into the opponent. Absolutely no pointless hoofing of the ball downfield.
Bingo! The penny's dropped! When you're carrying the ball, it's you who have the initiative.
Suddenly we're in the 21st century. Polish up the handling a bit and we're up there with the rest. Roll on the World Cup!
Tailpiece
A THREE-LEGGED dog walks into a Wild West bar and says: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
Last word
To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilisation, and at present very few people have reached this level.
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