Mysterious ping
THE Canadian Navy is investigating a mysterious "ping" or "hum" that seems to be coming from the Arctic seabed and appears to have chased away wildlife in the Fury and Hecla Strait, a remote part of northern Canada.
The ping/hum was first detected by a yacht with onboard sonar. When it was reported in a local newspaper, the Nunatsiak News, callers reported also hearing the sound, even through the hull of a ship, according to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.
The concern is that the sound appears to be driving away seals and other sea mammals, which are traditionally hunted by the Innuit community of nearby Igloolik.
The Canadian military flew a CP-140 Aurora aircraft over the strait, equipped with multiple sensors, but it picked up no hums or pings. Naval vessels will now take over the investigation.
Whatever could this be? One theory is that America's Democrats have taken a submarine under the Arctic ice for a brainstorming session on the recent election campaign. Ping! Hum! Yes, it could be. These could be frenzied neurological transmissions that are being picked up.
Nobody's seen Hillary for a while.
Long-term bet
THE analysts seem to agree that Brexit and the Donald Trump victory were driven by very similar sentiments. There was disillusionment with the snooty and distant political elite; swathes of the electorate were suffering economically and felt ignored. In Britain it was the once-industrial north-east of England. In America it was the so-called "rust belt" of failed industry.
Now a leaked memo has emerged in Britain, claiming the government never had a Brexit plan; that it would take ages to put one together and this would require the input of 30 000 civil servants.
It's worth a punt with the bookies. What comes first – Brexit or Donald Trump's wall around Mexico?
You could wait a while for the pay-out.
Sermon
RACONTEUR Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe) recently took issue with former Aussie cricket captain Ian Chappell for suggesting that Proteas demon bowler Kagiso Rabada comes from some kind of boondocks village.
"In every outback village you can find both an idiot and a chapel," Spyker said, pointing out that Rabada went to St Stithian's and his dad is a neuro-surgeon.
Now Spyker suggests that the inhabitants of that outback village could perhaps benefit from a sermon by a certain South African abbot.
"I am told that he delivers speedy hell and damnation with a ferocity that drives the boastful forever from the fields of sporting endeavour and delivers them on the wings of a boomerang to the sports reporters at the Sydney Morning Herald."
Yes indeed, Kyle Abbott went through the Aussie batting like a hot knife through butter in the second Test.. Rabada didn't do too badly either.
Great stuff! Next a day-night Test with the pink ball our fellows have never before encountered. No matter, we've won the series already. Twickenham is a fading nightmare.
Panama, pumpkins
A READER who calls himself Harry is prompted by my recent research into the origins of the bawdy ballad Eskimo Nell to seek assistance with another poem.
Harry has been looking, fruitlessly so far, for the words of a poem, of which he can remember only one often-repeated line: "I've never pushed pumpkins up Panama Canal."
This is totally unfamiliar to me, I'm afraid. I tried Google. I picked up a site tagged "Canal Poems". They went on and on, none of them featuring Panama or pumpkins.
I gave up when I encountered an alarming poem about a fellow being raped by a ghastly witch. The things than can happen on canal banks! Google can take you places you'd rather not be.
Can anyone out there assist Harry? "I've never pushed pumpkins up Panama Canal". It sounds ;like an old music hall number.
Tailpiece
THIS wild-looking fellow goes into a psychiatrist's rooms wearing Napoleonic costume, one hand inside his coat.
"Doctor, I need your help."
"I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me your problem."
"I have no problem. In fact I'm the Emperor of France. I have everything I could possibly want. But my wife, Josephine, is in deep psychological trouble."
"And what's her problem?"
"She keeps thinking she's Mrs Smith."
Last word
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
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