Build that wall
THE FBI's announcement that it's reopening its investigation of Hillary Clinton's e-mails has thrown the American presidential election into fresh turmoil and doubt. Will Donald Trump now make it to the Oval Office? He says it will be Brexit times 10.
All over the world, contingency plans are being made. A source at the Union Buildings confirms that ideas are beginning to firm up for the building of a high wall around the whole of South Africa to keep out American refugees.
America would be expected to pay for the wall, the source said.
It's astonishing that we should have this see-sawing between two candidates who are considered to be, each of them, the most unpopular ever in an American election.
Meanwhile, a wild card. Could it be that Britain will take over control of America again, now that its 240-year experiment with democracy has run into trouble? Run it direct from Buckingham Palace without any tiresome interference from the British parliament, which has its own troubles?
This is the gist of an item in the New Yorker, which quotes Queen Elizabeth making the offer to the American people. Of course, this is satirist Andy Borowitz again but in these swirling times Borowitz often is the only one who makes sense.
That election has us all on tenterhooks.
Lost argument
GLENDA Blackwell, who lives in Leicester, North Carolina, in the US was determined to break her husband's habit of spending part of the household budget on lottery tickets and things. She would demonstrate what a dead loss it was.
When he asked her to get two Powerball tickets, she bought a $10 scratch-off card for herself as well, and made him watch as she started the futile scratching process.
She scratched off No 1 – nothing.
Then as she started scratching off No 2 – she saw the words "$1 000 000 Winner", according to Huffington Post. She'd won $1 million (R13.7 million), and lost the argument with her husband.
"I had to eat my words," Glenda said. "But those are pretty good words to eat."
We're not told what happened with the two Powerball tickets. Which recalls the case of the Scotsman who bought two tickets in the national lottery and won the jackpot.
Asked about his good fortune, he said: "I'm a little disappointed. The ither ticket won nothin' at a'."
Snaky encounter
A COUPLE living in Bristol, England, bought a second-hand car at a dealership. They were driving home, their pooch on the back seat, when suddenly the dog started yelping and screaming.
Looking round, they saw that a 1.5m snake, bright orange and white in colour, had emerged seemingly from nowhere, and entwined itself round the dog's leg, according to Sky News..
They pulled over and phoned the police, who found this a difficult situation to handle. They called in a reptile dealership, who identified it as a harmless corn snake and distentangled it from the dog.
Further investigation revealed that the second-hand car had belonged to a woman in Sheffield whose pet corn snake had gone missing about the time she sold the car to the dealership.
And now we get to the point of this story. The missing pet corn snake is called Keith.
Who but the Poms could call a snake Keith? I once knew an old couple in deepest Suffolk who had a cat called Arthur, but Keith the snake takes the cake.
Unfortunately, Keith the snake escaped in all the excitement on the motorway. But if anyone spots a bright orange and white corn snake that answers to the name of Keith, he has a home waiting for him in Sheffield.
Tailpiece
GUISEPPE excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and he's going to get married.
"Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
Next day, he brings three beautiful women to the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He says: "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
"The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Last word
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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