Keith, Dave and Socrates
LAST week we discussed a pet snake name Keith who escaped to hide in a car in Sheffield, England. Now a giant earthworm named Dave has made his way into the record books after growing to the size of a small snake.
The 40cm earthworm is the largest ever recorded in Britain. It was found in a vegetable garden in Widnes, Cheshire, and promptly named Dave.
Until now, the largest earthworms in Britain have come from the Scottish island of Rum, according to Sky News. But by comparison with Dave they are puny.
Keith, Dave – what ridiculous names the Poms do give to pets, especially those that don't answer to a name.
What are the earthworms of the Isle of Rum called? Angus? Jimmy?
No, I don't think the Scots have this foible, it's only the English. But at least the English don't go for high-falutin' names for their snakes and earthworms, like Horatio or Socrates.
Eric
THEN of course there was the famous Eric the half a bee in Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Half a bee, philosophically,
Must ipso facto half not be.
But half the bee has got to be,
Vis a vis its entity. D'you see
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee,
When half that bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury
Singing:
La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G
Eric the half a bee.
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half-asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!
Ho ho ho, tee, hee, hee,
Eric the half a bee.
I love this hive employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.
Yes, Eric the half a bee. It wouldn't have worked if they'd called him Theophilus.
Halloween mushroom?
AT FIRST this Sky News item seemed like another Halloween story – a huge white pumkin. But it turned out this was not a pumpkin but a giant puffball mushroom with a 1.5m circumference and weighing more than 10kg
It was found near Falkirk, in Scotland, and taken home to be cooked and shared by 15 people, who dipped it in egg-nog then fried it up.
That's some mushroom. Our kowas get to quite a size but nothing like 10kg, that I've heard of. Maybe there's something in the soil in Scotland – that's also got something to do with the giant earthworms of Rum.
Not bothered
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener reflects in his latest grumpy newsletter that the baddies don't get away with it in our modern age of digital technology – yet it doesn't seem to bother them unduly.
"Any South African with even the mildest curiosity about what is happening in domestic and global politics is currently drowning in a sea of overlapping, similar and confusing storm surges.
"It's hard to keep a clear picture of who are the good guys (not very many actually), what the bad guys are doing (a great deal) and if there is any chance that anyone will get what they so desperately deserve. That would be a clean, honest, small government for the citizens and lengthy, unpleasant jail terms for the merchants of sleaze.
"The ubiquity of disinformation and lies caused by instant and brain-free communication tends to overstate the issues but nevertheless even at 50% dilution it's all a great deal of sewage. The sole faintly amusing aspect is that almost everyone up to no good completely fails to grasp the extent and reach of the new technology which knows everything and forgets nothing.
"Files and e-mails are nearly impossible to erase and your phone knows where you have been and who you spoke to. Someone is almost always filming you.
"Perplexingly though, these days there seems to be no revelation so damaging that the perpetrator slinks off ashamed and abashed."
Tailpiece
A PRIEST is commiserating with a man who has lost his father after a long and debilitating illness.
"Did you take him to Lourdes as I suggested."
"Yes, but he died after we'd been there 10 minutes."
"A heart attack?"
"No, a cricket ball hit him on the head."
Last word
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw
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