The Idler, Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The applecart wobbles

THIS Brexit thing gets messier by the day. The English high court has ruled that it has to go through parliament. Article 50 – which starts the two-year process of the UK leaving the EU – can't be triggered by Theresa May, as she wants.

She's taking it on appeal – but meanwhile the Supreme Court has ruled that the Scottish and Welsh regional governments should also be allowed to have their say in the appeal process. (For some reason the Northern Irish don't seem to feature).

Meanwhile, it becomes more obvious by the day that nobody has an actual plan for Britain's exit. Outside consultants say It would take 30 000 civil servants working full time on it to produce such a plan.

Former prime minister David Cameron might not after all be just a footnote to history. He might turn out to be the blighter who upset the applecart in a big way and in all sorts of ways.

Don't listen to the pundits. Watch the bookies as the weeks go by.

Smellysocks revolt

MEANWHILE, the pundits interpret the Brexit referendum result and Donald Trump's victory in the US as attributable to much the same thing sweeping the Anglo-Saxon democracies – a revolt of the smellysocks and fried Mars Bar eaters against the smug liberal elites with their Vichy water and genetically unmodified food.

And it seems this time the pundits could be right. Reports are coming in of British liberals trying to slip into the Republic of Ireland, which will remain part of the EU. Sociology professors, global warming activists and green energy proponents are landing in their scores on Irish beaches from boats and crossing the fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a man who said he was a human resources manager fearing for his job, huddled in the barn," says Wexford farmer Paddy O'Brian, whose acreage borders the River Slany. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he burst into tears and left."

Irish officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just north of the border with Northern Ireland, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," a Garda Síochána border official said. "I found one car load without a single bottle of lemon flavoured Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Sussex white wine and some beetroot crisps."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Boris Johnson and his chums from the Burlington Club.

Yes, David Cameron has a lot to answer for.

Starbucks refrain

"TRUMP! Trump!" The name resounds in Starbucks coffee bars in Florida, in the US, these days.

It started when a Starbucks refused to serve a customer because his T-shirt proclaimed him to be a Trump supporter. Did this dismay the Trumpites? No. They got together on social media, according to Huffington Post, and told Trump supporters to descend on Starbucks en masse, order coffee and give their name as "Trump".

Then, when their order is ready, the barista calls their name.

I hope it doesn't catch on here. The last thing we want is for our coffee bars and eateries to become a cacophony of cries of "Zuma!", "Juju!" and "Mmusi!"

Razzle

WHOOPS! The venue of the musical razzle in aid of the Isiaiah 54 Children's Sanctuary on the Bluff, on December 16, has been shifted from the Wagon Wheel pub to the Dutch Club in Tara Road.

Entrance R20, kids under 14 free. Guitarist Smelly Fellows will still be performing on a pogo stick. Businesses or individuals wishing to donate prizes for lucky draws throughout the day should phone Kerry Geyser at 071-8604177.

 

 

Tailpiece

"I can't find a woman who's right for me, I think I'm going to die alone."

"What? That's terrible. Maybe you're being too picky."

"I don't think so, all I want is for a girl to prove she can make me a better sandwich than the rest."

Last word

 

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Robin Morgan