Pyrotechnics again
REMEMBER, remember the fifth of November … Yes, it's Guy Fawkes tomorrow which, coming just after Diwali, gives us again the sound effects of Paschendaele. But these days my circle of acquaintances celebrate in restrained style compared with days of yore.
A handful of ladycrackers in a neighbour's postbox, a big bang or two strategically lobbed – today these are sufficient to satisfy the schoolboy in us.
Gone are the days of elaborate planning; a thundercrash inserted to a squishy avocado pear; the pear placed at somebody's front door, the fuse lit; the ringing of the doorbell; the running away to a vantage point; the deafening bang just as the householder opens his front door to be spattered with squishy avo.
Hee, hee, hee! So childish. Such fun.
Yes, we simply have to mark frustration of the Gunpowder Plot when Guy Fawkes and his crew plotted to blow up the Mother of Parliaments in London, exactly 410 years ago. You have to honour history. But for some of us it's quietened down considerably.
Yet tomorrow the Boks play the Barbarians at Twickenham, led by our own Pat Lambie. This could turn out a Guy Fawkes to remember. Success would be greeted with great jubilation at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, including the traditional celebratory feu de joie, where the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from the elastic of the ladies' knickers.
Add to this the gunpowder factor and it could be like Paschendaele and the Somme put together.
Look out for the avo on your doorstep!
Bonfire night
MEANWHILE, in England they're planning to burn an 11m effigy of Donald Trump, along with the traditional Guy. It will be at the town of Edenbridge, in Kent, where they've been burning a "Celebrity Guy" for the past 20 years.
The steel-framed model of Trump has him dressed in a pair of shorts emblazoned with images of Mexican men and has him holding the head of his Democrat rival, Hillary Clinton, according to Sky News.
The figure will be stuffed with oil-soaked newspapers and fireworks.
Jeni Fox, of the Edenbridge Bonfire Society, says: "We are literally helping Trump to live out his own catchphrase 'burn it down' by exploding the 11m effigy as the opening act for our fireworks display.
"It seems only fair that Hillary Clinton take some of the limelight, and we are sure the presidential candidates will be pleased to see they are both featured."
Last year's celebrity effigy was of former Fifa president Sepp Blatter. Others have included Cherie Blair (wife of Prime Minister Tony) and Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
It's pleasing that the Edenbridge Bonfire Society have a sense of current affairs.
See-through
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Men who say they can see through women are missing a lot."
Gladiators
CULTURAL news from Zululand. Gladiators Rugby Club turned out at the Darnall Club during the week for a lunch in honour of their founding president, Brian Schabram, colourful former Durban Collegians and Natal scrumhalf, who died recently aged 84.
The lunch lasted until well after sundown "We certainly gave it horns," says organiser Clutchie Nightingale. "There were lots of lovely stories about Schabie."
Also at the lunch were three former Natal players: John Symons, down from Zambia (once a Gladiators captain); Peter Hatchwell (who does a rousing rendition of Blue Moon of Kentucky); and Ron Wang.
Gladiators is a truly amateur club – no constitution, no playing field and no bank account. But they meet regularly in various pubs. They've slowed down a bit on the actual field of play.
Their report on the past season: Games lost – none; Games won – none; Tackles missed – none; Tackles made – none; Tries against – none; Tries for – none.
Schabie would have been proud.
Cop quiz
NEWS from Cape Town. A lass went into a police station to get documents certified. It was a quiet day. The constable behind the counter was reading the Bible.
She decided to test him.
"Who killed Abel, Adam's son?"
He replied: "I don't know. Ask the sergeant over there. He deals with the murder cases."
Tailpiece
She phones. "The car's broken down. There's water in the carburettor."
"Where is the car?"
"In the river."
Last word
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
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