St Clements rides again
REPRIEVE! A lot of us turned out on Monday evening for what was to be a melancholy occasion, bitter-sweet - the final St Clement's arts soiree on the Berea, that has been running for almost 10 years now.
The problem is that retired drama professor Pieter Scholtz, who has been the compere and driving force at St Clement's all these years, has relocated to his home town of Eshowe, in Zululand. Although he now divides his time between Eshowe and Durban, arranging St Clement's was becoming just a little too much.
St Clements had become an institution, combining artistic talent – prose, poetry, music – with much bawdiness and humour. Plus vino plus lovely grub. Some lovely girls too.
Who can forget the spirited reading last year of Chaucer's The Miller's Tale, which absolutely captured the mood of St Clement's. Many maintain this was Pieter's finest hour in theatre. Fellow-reader Rick Andrew (if reader's the word for a fellow who simulates flatulence) set new standards of sound-effects for the bedroom window scene. On the West End in London they use a trombone. Rick puts them to shame by putting his lips to the wall and blowing.
Tehee quod she, and clapte the window to.
Was all this to become past tense?
Then Pieter's announcement, to acclamation. The soiree will not be closing down entirely. In future it will be held once a month. The cognoscenti practically wept with joy, and matters moved with a swing from there, with various readings.
Pieter himself read from a book he is about to publish, titled Mountains of the Mind. It seems this is about a long, meandering holiday he spent in England with a girlfriend in a narrowboat, travelling the canals and rivers.
It seems this jaunt had its moments. One night, tied up at the riverside, Pieter awoke to find the boat was drifting. Some villain on the shore had undone the painter with which the boat was tied up.
He jumped out of his bunk, managed to start the motor and got the narrowboat back to the quay. Furious, he picked up the axe he kept on the foredeck and went ashore to confront whoever it was who had cast them adrift.
The canals of England have, wherever there is a mooring point, pubs, shops and things. In summer, the towpath has people on it, even late at night. These ran off shrieking at Pieter's approach.
It was only then that he remembered that he slept without pyjamas. He was stark naked and running around with an axe in his hand. He hastily retreated to the boat. The legend of the naked axeman has no doubt become part of village lore.
One wonders though whether Eshowe is ready for this kind of thing.
Yes, a rollicking evening it turned out. Jean-Marie Spitaels read a poem ending with the two lines
Pieter Scholtz enjoy the Zulu beer
Amba gashle Pieter, amba gashle.
It's not great Zulu but not bad for a Walloon (French-speaking Belgian). Jean-Marie then produced a harmonica, on which he is a master, and a sing-song ensued on the porch until eventually they chucked us out before the police were called.
Hey, this was reminiscent of the Duikers' Club at Kings Park in the glory days.
Tehee quod she, and clapte the window to.
Triskaidekaphobia
ON FEAR of the number 13, reader David Rodgers refers us to a book, 13 The World's Most Popular Superstition, by Nathaniel Lachenmeyer. He found it in the Durban North library.
"The author uncovers the history, psychology and evolution of the Unlucky 13 superstition.
For example, early Christians blamed the Last Supper at which Judas was the 13th guest.
"But long before then, Norse mythology was telling of a banquet for a dozen gods that was crashed by an evil spirit, Loki, who killed one of the guests, Baldur.
"Also in the book are references to: triskaidekaphilia - being positive to 13; triskaidekaphobia - fear of 13; triskaidekaphiles - people who like 13; triskaidekaphobes - people who fear 13."
Fascinating.
Tailpiece
HE REPORTS for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager hands him a broom. "Your first job will be to sweep out the warehouse."
"But I'm a graduate."
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. Give me the broom and I'll show you how."
Last word
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
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