The fall guy
THE fellow you've really got to feel for in the great British
political shake-up is Philip May. A few days ago nobody had
heard of him. Every day he was quite happily doing whatever he
does as an executive in some financial investment company
where he's apparently an expert on pensions.
No doubt he took an evening snifter or two at some club;
probably played golf at weekends; probably enjoyed
Wimbledon, Twickenham and Lord's. A totally self-contained,
contented man minding his own business.
But now he's posing awkwardly in doorways with his wife, the
new prime minister. When ordered to do so by the waiting
photographers, he gives her an embarrassed peck on the cheek.
You can see the poor guy is having ants. His private, personal
life is over.
And it's only just started. When Margaret Thatcher became
prime minister, the satirical magazine Private Eye began a
regular feature called "Dear Bill", in which Denis Thatcher
supposedly poured out his heart to his chum, Sir William
Deedes, editor of the Daily Telegraph, and provided the
lowdown on what was happening in No 10.
It was hilarious and it ran for years. Stand by for something in
similar vein from Private Eye.
Come to think of it, Britain has another Philip who is in similar
circumstances. This one lives at Buckingham Palace. "Dear
Phil?" But I don't want to give Private Eye mischievous ideas.
Talent scouts
THE Wolverines tonight, and presumably a scoot through to the
quarter-finals. No Pearl Harbor, we trust.
Then an expedition to Botha's Hill tomorrow for the Craven
Week final at Kearsney. It should be a jolly jaunt – great
schoolboy rugby plus the fun of playing Spot the Talent Scout.
Usually they have dark glasses, turned-up coat collars and
fedora hats pulled down firmly. They used to speak in the
accents of Stellenbosch but these days you get Aussie, Kiwi and
the home counties as well.
NHS
THEY'RE talking about setting up a national
health service. What follows has some bearing
on our current gap in standards of care.
Two patients limp into two different medical
clinics with the same complaint. Both have
trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is
X-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting
three weeks for an appointment, then waits
eightweeks to see a specialist, then gets an X-
ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and
finally has his surgery scheduled for six months
from then.
Why the different treatment?
The first is a golden retriever. The second is a
senior citizen.
Deville Wood
HALF-muffled bells will sound from St Mary's Church,
Greyville, this Sunday from 8am. They will be followed by
the tolling 100 times of the Delville Wood Bell (414 kg) to
mark the centenary of the World War I battle, which was
the bloodiest ever fought by South African troops.
The St Mary's bell tower has a set of 10 fine bells,
weighing a collective four tons. Each bell is inscribed to
commemorate World War I events and leaders.
They were cast in Taylor's foundry, in Loughborough,
England, in 1921 and were donated by Sir Charles Smith,
a founder of Illovo Sugar, in memory of his mother, Emma.
Weeping Cross
AND up in Maritzburg, the Weeping Cross will surely be
weeping.
The cross was made from timber salvaged from the
shattered trees of Delville Wood after this horrific
engagement in the wider Battle of the Somme, in which
thousands of South Africans died.
In the days leading up to the anniversary of Delville Wood
the cross has (most years) produced blobs of resin – the
"tears".
Scientists have been baffled by the phenomenon.
The Weeping Cross used to stand in the Carbineer
Gardens, in the Maritzburg CBD, before it was moved to
the MOTH headquarters in Scottsville.
Tailpiece
PADDY buys an electric car. But next day he
phones the garage.
"It won't go more dan 10 yards."
"Is the battery charged up? Are the brakes off?
Is it in gear?"
But all that is in order.
"That's strange. You say it goes, but only for 10
yards?"
"Yeah. Dat's de length de lead stretches to de
plug."
Last word
Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't
make up their own minds.
Seth Hoffman,
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