Be of good heart
IT'S the moment of truth tomorrow. Can the Boks this time put in 80 minutes of purposeful rugby instead of a 15-minute blitz? On recent performance, it's by no means guaranteed. On recent performance, Ireland look the more composed and unflustered side. In Port Elizabeth, altitude is not a factor. We're up against it, make no mistake.
But let us be of good heart. Rugby is a game whose finest moments consist in climbing out of adversity. The damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties are already adjusting their corsetry in anticipation of being called upon to supply knicker elastic for a fashioning of catapults for the traditional feu de joie, in which the streetlights are shot out. It could be a grand hurrah.
But when you look at the way England have beaten Australia for the first time ever and Wales have been doing pretty well, in spite of things, against the All Blacks – who these days look as if they come from another planet – the northern hemisphere is showing astonishing zip.
That includesOuld Ireland. The Boks just have to turn it round. The Street Shelter gals are growing restive.
Five-star
CHINA has opened to the world. It welcomes tourists. Its hotel infrastructure is burgeoning. And hotel staff are hospitality itself. A pamphlet comes this way setting out what you can expect from a certain Beijing establishment.
"Getting there: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
"The hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
"The restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
"Your room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
"Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
"Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Ah yes, the mysterious East, perfumed like a flower …
The big If
AND now an adaptation of Kipling's famous If .
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably the family dog!
Tailpiece
THE teacher asks a little girl if she's going to the school fete.
"No, I ain't going."
"You must not say: 'I ain't going.' You must say: 'I am not going.'" She adds, to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. They are not going. Now dear, can you say all that?"
"Sure. They ain't nobody going."
Last word
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
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