Patriotic hot dogs
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,
Yankee Doodle Dandy do or die,
I am a nephew of old Uncle Sam,
Born on the fourth of July …
IT'S former champion Joey "Jaws" Chestnut versus reigning champion Matt "The Megatoad" Stonie in the annual hot dog-eating championship on Coney Island, New York, today.
In the women's section it's defending champion Miki Sudo against three-time champion Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas.
Contestants weighed in at a venue in Brooklyn last Friday, with hard stares worthy of any heavyweight boxing weigh-in.
Chestnut, whose record is 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes is hoping to regain the Mustard Yellow International Belt.
The competition – called Nathan's Famous after a hot dog franchise that spread from Coney Island – is said to have originated when a Pole named Nathan Handwerker set up a hot dog stand on the island in 1916.
An Irish immigrant called James Mullen came by and challenged other immigrants to prove they were real Americans. The test was the number of hot dogs you could consume, and Nathan Handwerker supplied the hot dogs.
The legend doesn't really stand up to scrutiny according to the Huffington Post on its website. It seems the story was invented as an advertising stunt.
But it's gathered its own momentum and thousands are expected to turn out on Coney Island today to watch.
Wales, Iceland
YOU don't usually associate Wales with football. It's the rugby that brings the singing in the valleys, look you. Yet here Wales are in the semi-finals of Euro 2016 after defeating Belgium in spectacular fashion. Cymru am byth!
Northern Ireland didn't make it, nor did the Republic of Ireland. England went down to Isipingo, er Iceland.
So it's Wales versus Portugal in the semis. Also Iceland versus France. We all know what should happen. But in this topsy-turvy world anything can happen.
Wales versus Iceland in the final? It's the time of the giant-slayers. Bring it on, bring it on!
One fellow who's been really enjoying it is Icelandic commentator Gummi Ben. His gibbering hysteria at the close of the Iceland matches has been beamed around the networks. It's not quite what you'd call judicious, dispassionate commentary but it's certainly lively. You don't have to understand a word to get the message.
Those who studied English will recall the Icelandic sagas – Scandinavian epics that put the Anglo into Anglo-Saxon.
Iceland versus Wales in the final would deserve another Icelandic saga. Gummi's the man to write it.
Crazy script
YOU couldn't make it up. The devious plot. The cast of characters. The bloodletting. Yes, it's the great Brexit saga.
It begins with Dave the diceman calling the referendum to silence The Fellows At The End Of The Bar who are vocally opposed to Europe and have managed to get elected a solitary MP. But the referendum activates all kinds of other people. Boris the Menace spots a gap for himself as the next PM if the Brexiteers make it, so he takes that gap.
But then a cove in hornrimmed spectacles pops up from nowhere. Michael Gove tells us he doesn't want the job, he doesn't have an ounce of charisma – and he's quite right there, this is the original nerd – but Boris is actually a bit of an oaf so he, Michael, is reluctantly running for leadership.
And, blow us all down! – Boris drops out.
Front-runner now is Theresa May, who was in the "remain" camp.
So it seems the person who will negotiate the new arrangement didn't want to leave in the first place. It's a complicated plot.
Also, it's beginning to emerge that the brexiteers never had any actual plan for the mechanics of leaving the EU. It could take years. Won't people get sick of the whole thing?
Do we see a Churchill anywhere here? The only real heavyweight to make a contribution so far is Chris Patten, the last governor of Hong Kong – he knows all about disengagement; a former commissioner of external affairs for the EU – he knows the EU inside out; and who is currently chancellor of Oxford University.
He says bluntly that the campaign for a British exit was based on "lies".
This one will run and run.
Tailpiece
"YOUR eyes are intoxicating."
"It must be the eyeballs."
Last word
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
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