We scent success
THE space programme starts to pay off. In November 2014 the Philae lander, launched by the European Space Agency, landed on the comet 67P – also known as Churyomov-Gerasimenko – and began sniffing about and sampling what it found.
It was an astonishing feat of space navigation and manoeuvring. All kinds of information was relayed back to Earth before the craft's batteries gave out through being landed in an area of shadow where they couldn't be regenerated by the sun.
This was useful minformation. Now a British firm – The Aroma Company - has analysed all the data, in co-operation with the Open University of Milton Keynes, to produce a perfume that replicates the surface smell of the comet Churyomov-Gerasimenko.
Who could resist that? There'll be a stampede. Is it a feminine perfume? Or is it something more masculine?
Unfortunately, according to Sky News, it turns out the surface of Churmoyov-Gerasimenko smells like a mixture of rotten eggs, cats' widdle and bitter almonds.
Demand ius likely to be slender. Back to the drawing board, fellers. But let nobody suggest the space exploration programme will not pay off in the end.
Soft target
A MCDONALD'S eatery is usually a pretty soft target for a robbery. But not when it's full of off-duty French special forces.
Two armed robbers went into a McDonald's in Besancon, France, and held up the cashier, firing a shotgun at the ceiling to get her attention, according to the London Daily Telegraph.
What they didn't realise was that 11 of the customers in the place were members of the Gendarmerie National – the French army's crack special operations unit – who were armed though out of uniform.
They didn't draw their weapons right away, for fear of hitting other customers, but followed the robbers outside, where they gave them a right good duffing-up, shooting one in the stomach when he didn't drop his gun fast enough.
The robbers had taken about €2 500 from the till. Both are now shackled to hospital beds.
You don't mess with the Gendarmerie National.
Red card
A SWEDISH footballer was red-carded and sent off the field for a burst of flatulence during a match.
The referee described it as "deliberate provocation" and gave Adam Liungkvist his marching orders, according to the Swedish newspaper, Aftonbladet.
Liungkvist is most aggrieved. "A red card for breaking wind? It's nonsense. It's not as if I did it in my hand and threw it at him. That referee is a buffoon."
A rum story indeed. It recalls a similar incident in club rugby in the Free State.
This lock forward was badly disturbing the scrums with flatulence. The referee spoke sternly to him. Next time it would be a penalty, he said.
The next scrum again broke up in disorder. The ref blew hard and awarded a penalty. The flyhalf started teeing up the ball for a kick at the posts.
"No, no!" said the ref. "No poles for a poep!" The flyhalf had to kick into touch.
They've a fine sense of justice in the Free State. Swedish referees clearly are temperamental and emotional.
Exit
WHILE the world continues to reel at the British vote to leave the EU, local raconteur and pundit Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe) says it's time we made an exit from Africa.
"That would make us just 'South' – which is the way the country's headed anyway."
Speech trick
IF YOU say "gullible" slowly, it sounds like "oranges".
Try it.
Limerick riddle
NOW who could it be that Ian Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, has in mind?
A former PM of Great Britain,
Has done the right thing by quitting;
Unlike someone we know,
Who simply won't go,
When going would be quite fitting.
Tailpiece
THE vicar intones those lines in the marriage service which call on anyone who knows of any let or hindrance to the couple being spliced to speak now or forever hold thy peace.
At which a stunning blonde walks down the aisle carrying a baby.
The bride slaps the groom. The bride's mother faints. The groomsmen look at one another in consternation.
The vicar says. "What is it?"
"We can't hear properly at the back."
Last word
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.
No comments:
Post a Comment