Some past eccentrics
AMERICANS – indeed, people everywhere – are apprehensive at the possibility of Donald Trump winning the US presidency, becoming commander-in-chief of the world's mightiest military machine and head of the world's biggest economy. When America sneezes, the rest of us get pneumonia.
In a word, the man is erratic. To reassure us, the Huffington Post website publishes a feature setting out ways in which past presidents have also been not quite the full two-bob.
John Quincy Adams used to skinnydip in the Potomac River, which flows through Washington, getting up at 5am every day to do it.(A girl reporter once pinched his clothes on the riverbank while he was swimming, refusing to give them back until he agreed to answer her questions).
Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin D Roosevelt and John F Kennedy were also enthusiastic skinnydippers (They don't say if Marilyn Monroe ever joined JFK in the Potomac).
Grover Cleveland was a former hangman.
Jimmy Carter claimed to have seen UFOs.
Calvin Coolidge had Vaseline slathered on his head while he ate breakfast in bed every morning.
John F Kennedy was virtually addicted to painkillers and other medicines, sometimes taking a dozen different medications at once (and Marilyn?).
Harry S Truman had no middle name. The "S" stood for "S".
Yes, that's all pretty nutty. But did any one of these eccentrics ever threaten to build a wall around Mexico?
Britpoll
THE Brits go to the polls today to decide whether or not they will remain part of the EU. The bookies still give it to the "remain" camp, as they consistently have, though it seems it will be a close thing.
Will that dreadful word "Brexit" (British exit) become a more or less permanent part of our vocabulary or will it be consigned to the dustbins of junkspeak?
In the interests of felicitous language, may it be the latter.
New metaphor
ANNOUNCEMENT of the ANC's mayoral candidates for the local government elections has caused such a catfight – especially in Pretoria – that new metaphors are required, according to Rob Nicolai, Howick's resident theoretical physicist.
Most councils are already like a sack of feral cats, he says. To seek to calm them by announcing prospective mayors now is like seeking to calm a sackful of feral cats by adding more cats.
Better just to throw a few tuna fillets into any sack of feral cats – "then run away fast."
It's an interesting metaphor.
Destinations
READER Doug McGarr says he's planning to go on holiday but he can't think where to go.
"I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
"I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.
"I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I've made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and work.
"I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
"I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
"I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
"Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
"One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimulus I can get."
Failing that, Doug, there's always Isipingo.
Tailpiece
THE doctor tells Paddy he's a bit overweight. He puts him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days then skip a day... Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 3kg."
When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor. He's lost almost 15kg
"Why, that's amazing. Did you follow my instructions?"
Paddy nods. "I'll tell you though, I tought I were goin' to drop dead dat tird day."
"From the hunger, you mean?"
"No, from dat confounded skippin'!"
Last word
Nothing is work unless you'd rather be doing something else. - George Halas
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