Chuggalug, chuggalug ...
THIS is the ultimate Australian story. A jolly swagman named Chris Petrie has been fined and banned from driving for 10 months for being under the influence while driving a beer cooler box mounted on a four-wheeler scooter.
The scooter has a 50cc engine and the cooler box holds 48 bottles of beer and doubles as a driver's seat.
Petrie bought it on the internet for $630 (Australian), a price which apparently includes the 48 beers. He sampled a few of the beers while assembling it, then took it for a test run. The alert Fuzz thought a man careering along the road on a beer cooler box might be worth investigating. Sure enough, he was over the limit – in fact three times over. And he had no licence to be driving a beer cooler box. He was fined $500.
It's enough to make a cobber jump into the billabong.
Digital confusion
READER Nigel Englefield, of Assagay, complains that life today is governed by PIN numbers, while cellphones seem to have gone through a curious secret christening process.
"I no longer have to remember telephone numbers or write them down because they're all saved in my phone. However I need to remember PIN numbers for each of my credit cards, my debit card and two internet banking sites, which require user names and a 200-character PIN in upper and lower case, using numbers letters and other characters.
"And I'm expected to remember my credit card PIN at 10 o'clock at night in a restaurant, having consumed a couple more units of alcohol than I told my doctor at my last check-up.
"I understand the need for banking security, but why on earth should I be required to enter a user name and PIN in order to purchase a book from Kalahari.net. I am buying something for heavens' sake. If I go to Checkers I don't get asked for my password before they let me through the door. Even the most resourceful hoodie from Tottenham could not log on to Kalahari.net and get away with a flat screen TV and the till.
"The answer, I am told, is make all your PIN numbers the same, which would make life a lot easier for the armed robber who holds up the restaurant, takes your wallet and demands the PIN for all your cards. He would have to remember only one.
"To make matters worse, I recently had my cellphone repaired and it came back sans all the information collected over the past year. I was told I had to go to Set-up and enter my phone's name and password. For the life of me I do not remember baptising my phone or even discussing with my wife what we should call it. The only name I ever call it is Phone, but the man at MTN insists I must have named it. I will probably now name it Julius as it has nothing in its memory. Can you imagine what David Beckham named his phone, when he calls his daughter Harpic No. 7?"
Yes, life in the digital age is complicated and stressful, Nigel. I battle along with a Blackberry that's fitted with a little handle I crank and say: "Hello, Exchange ..."
Wine, sheilas and song
BACK with Australia, rock band AC/DC have gone into partnership with a winery and are about to release an AC/DC wine collection.
The wine is to be named after some of their hits: Back In Black Shiraz, Highway To Hell Cabernet Sauvignon and You Shook Me All Night Long Moscato.
It recalls those Australian wines from the Monty Python series: Sydney Syrup, Hobart Muddy, Chateau Chunder and Pinotage de la Wagga Wagga (which has a bouquet like an armpit).
Tailpiece
A MAN is on trial, charged with selling drugs. His neighbour is called as a witness.
Defence attorney: "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
Neighbour: "No sir."
Defence attorney: "Did you ever get any from his wife?"
Neighbour: "No sir."
Defence attorney: "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
Neighbour: "Uh ... excuse me, sir. We're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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