The Idler, Wednesday, August 10, 2011

London burning THE STREETS of London seethe with violence as hooded youths torch buildings, loot shops and menace firefighters, stopping them from dousing the flames and rescuing victims. These are pockets of anarchy, a waking nightmare. Can one make any kind of sense of it? One observation could be illuminating. In an account of the disturbances at Clapham, one shop escaped unharmed, it went unlooted. It was Ovenstones, part of a chain of bookshops. So these rioters are not great readers. Surprise, surprise! Unfair stacking   HARDLY have we celebrated National Women's Day when a formulation comes this way that highlights how matters still are unfairly stacked in favour of men.   For men: Your surname name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear no shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress R20 000. Suit rental R200. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is R24.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see creases in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You have to shave only your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes; one colour for all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 30 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.   A man will pay R10 for a R5 item when he needs it. A woman will pay R5 for a R10 item that she doesn't need but it's on a sale.   A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these.       A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish and get the mail. A man will dress up only for weddings and funerals.   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.     A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.   All that is no doubt true. But let's get things into perspective. Does it make it a man's world? Who wins the arguments? The woman, every time.       New alert   A NEW health warning has been issued.   Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whisky and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth.   Ice is not good for you. Warn all your friends to lay off the ice!   Spot the flaw The government has announced that it is to create two new commissions whose tasks will include fighting red tape, investment analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest grumpy newsletter "There is something oh so wrong about this idea," he says. Tailpiece KOOS van der Merwe is seated on a flight beside a stern-looking gentleman of the cloth. The attendant comes down the aisle offering drinks. Koos orders a rum and coke. "And you, sir?" the flight attendant asks the clergyman. "I'd rather be savagely set upon by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Koos: "Hey, me too!" He hands back his drink. "I didn't know we had that option."

 

Last word

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker