We rugged sex symbols
THOSE of us who are of the thinly-thatched fraternity (an alternative description is super-streamlined) will not be particularly impressed by the development by one Dr Adolf Klenk, of Germany, of a calculator which predicts when a man will start losing his hair.
Dr Klenk's gadget also converts a current photograph to show how a bloke will look as baldness takes over.
The chaps should rather be patient, let nature take her course. Dinstinction and rugged sex appeal will come in their own good time.
Baldness is, of course, caused by an excess of testosterone. We of the fraternity do not waste our hormones growing hair. That is why it's the height of fashion these days for a young fellow – long before the onset of the thinning process – to shave his entire head to a bald egg. Keep the gals guessing.
I suppose there's no harm in people like Dr Klenk playing around with their gadgets (so long as they don't cause despondency in young fellows by telling them they've a long time to wait). We thinly-thatched sex symbols know where we're at.
New lingo
LANGUAGE is dynamic, ever-evolving. Lylie Musgrave, of Durban, sends in some new words and phrases that have entered the English vocabulary:
· Blamestorming - Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
· Cube farm - An office filled with cubicles.
· Prairie dogging - When people's heads pop up over the partitioning when someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
· Salad dodger - an overweight person.
· Swamp donkey - A deeply unattractive person.
· Percussive maintenance – The fine art of whacking the blazes out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
· Oh-no second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise you've just made a big mistake. (eg: You've hit "reply all").
· Monkey bath - A bath so hot that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'
· Mystery bus - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners.
· Tart fuel – Alcopops.
· Tramp stamp - Tattoo on a woman.
· Picasso bum – When a girl wears her knickers too tight and it looks as if she's got four buttocks.
Poetic confusion
HELP, I've done it again! I've confused Ian Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, with Sir Ian Gilmour, the British MP who co-chaired the Lancaster House talks in London that ended UDI in Rhodesia and saw the transition to Zimbabwe.
Why I keep confusing the names Ian Gibson and Ian Gilmour is a mystery, just one of those things you can't explain. This time Gibson has his revenge.
Ian Gilmour's a mystery poet,
Lives in Hillcrest but does he know it?
Appears in your column,
His verse light or solemn;
Perhaps he's embarrassed to own it!
Right, I get the message - no more confusion! And my fulsome apologies to Sir Ian Gibson, of Hillcrest (though isn't it time he had another crack at sorting things out in Zimbabwe?)
Tailpiece
AN ELDERLY lady is taking a stroll on the promenade deck of a transatlantic liner one clear, starry evening. She notices an incredibly bright star. She stops a passing crewman and asks: "Young man, what's the name of that star?"
Patrick looks at the star and says: "Dear lady,I wouldn't be knowing. But Oi'll tell you what, Oi'll ask de chief officer on de bridge - he knows about dem tings. You wait here ma'am an Oi'll be back."
Patrick goes up to the bridge and explains the problem to the chief officer.
"Patrick," the chief officer says pointing to the star "That is the constellation of Orion. It has the brightest star in the firmament and that is Sirius. You tell that to the lady"
"Tank you, sor." Patrick trots down to the promenade deck
"Ma'am, de chief officer says dat is de constipation of O'Brian. He has de tightest ass in de infirmary - and it's serious!"
Last word
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
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