Here's a real man
RUSSIAN prime minister (formerly president) Vladimir Putin continues to make his counterparts in Europe and elsewhere seem a little pale and insipid. His latest Action Man exercise – filmed and televised across Russia – shows him scuba diving in the Black Sea, recovering two ancient ceramic urns of Greek origin.
He has been shown horseriding bare-chested in the mountains, hunting in Siberia and darting a whale on a scientific mission to collect skin samples.
Other action highlights captured on camera include dropping a water bomb from an aircraft on to a wildfire, fishing (again topless) and straddling a Harley-Davidson.
He also took the microphone and delivered a creditable rendition of Blueberry Hill when an American jazz group visited Moscow.
This is a new, human face of Russia. We never saw Stalin at the bowling alley, Kruschev on waterskis or Molotov ramp-jumping on a Harley. Even Gorbachev (decent bloke), if he had a passion for hang-gliding, kept it to himself. (Boris Yeltsin had the human touch but he whacked the vodka just a little too hard and he completely blew it when television picked him up pinching a female secretary's bottom).
People accuse Putin of hamming it up for the elections next year. But at least there are elections, not like in the past.
Western leaders have some catch-up to do. Maybe Barack Obama will get a pogo stick; maybe David Cameron will take up morris dancing. But Putin's the man who's making the running.
Working at wordplay
AN EXTRAORDINARY CV has come this way:
· My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
· Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
· After that, I tried being a tailor but wasn't suited for it - it was a sew-sew job.
· Next, I tried working in an engine muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
· Then I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
· Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
· Then I was a musician, but found I wasn't noteworthy.
· I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.
· Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried hard but just didn't fit in.
· I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
· I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance ompany, but the work was too draining.
· I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
· After many years of trying to find steady work, I got a job as a historian – but then realised there was no future in it.
· My last job was with Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Memo to Human Resources: Grab this guy before he retires!
Tailpiece
HE SAT ON the edge of the bed watching as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her birthday was approaching. "What would you like for your birthday?"
"I'd like to be eight again." She was still looking in the mirror.
Came the Big Day and he rose early. He got her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside-down. Then he took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed as realisation dawned.
"I meant my dress size, you retard!"
Last word
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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