Milligan rides again
MATTERS come to a crescendo as the current season at St Clements approaches its finale. This week we had poetry, music and song by Jean-Marie Spitaels, a Walloon (French-speaking Belgian) who grew up in the Congo.
Spitaels (he writes under the pen-name Jean Cornet) is a tonic – poetry in English, songs in French, musical accompaniment on the harmonica and the acoustic guitar. It was quirky and catchy.
On Monday we move from quirkiness to craziness with readings from Spike Milligan's Puckoon, set in Ireland at the time of the partitioning of the republican South and the loyalist North. In spite of the dire consequences of that partitioning, this is surely one of the funniest books in the English language.
The central character – called simply "the Milligan" – is given by the author (Spike Milligan) a magic phrase to use if he's in a tight spot. He uses it as he's being whacked over the head by the truncheons of the Royal Ulster Constabulary.
He is whisked in an instant to a casino on the French Riviera. He's in a tuxedo, he's winning buckets of money and a voluptuous blonde is making a pass at him.
Then the Royal Ulster Constabulary burst in and start whacking him over the head with truncheons.
Lovely, crazy stuff. Milligan was in The Goon Show for years. He wrote Adolph Hitler: My Part in his Downfall and Rommel? Gunner Who? Both were very funny but Puckoon was his high point.
Bring it on! Then one more gathering before a six-week winter hibernation.
Octopus cruelty
SPIKE Milligan was a regular visitor to Durban. Every visit he would accost staff at the Oceanographic Research Institute and accuse them of being cruel to the octopus by keeping it wedged into a tiny rock crevice.
"But Spike, that's how an octopus likes to live," Dr Rudi van der Elst, of ORI, would tell him.
"Nonsense! They like to float free in the ocean."
"If they float free in the ocean, they get chowed in seconds."
"Nonsense! And you've been keeping that poor octopus in that same crevice for years now."
"Spike, it's not the same octopus. They live for only six months."
"Nonsense! He recognised me today. He winked at me!"
You couldn't win against Milligan.
Rugger bugger
DISHY Sunday Tribune columnist Cilla Duff once had dinner with Spike Milligan. He wouldn't talk about anything but rugby.
"Aren't you interested in anything but rugby?" she asked him.
"There's nothing more important in life than rugby," said Milligan.
It made a great column.
Wacky quotes
SOME Spike Milligan quotes:
| · "A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." |
| · "And God said: 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected." |
| · "Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard." |
| · "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion." |
| · "His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum." |
| · "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." |
| · "I can speak Esperanto like a native." |
| · "I told you I was ill." (Epitaph on his tombstone) |
Tailpiece
THE PARISH badly needs funds. The priest calls for volunteers to sell bibles door-to-door at R50 each.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raise their hands to volunteer. Peter and Paul are professional salesmen, but Louie is a farmer with a speech impediment. Not wanting to discourage him, the priest takes him on as well.
Next Sunday Peter hands over R1 000 he raised from selling 20 bibles. Paul hands over a R1 600 cheque for the 32 he sold.
Then Louie hands over a large envelope. It contains 26 000.
"Louie," says the priest. "Did you sell 520 bibles, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie nods.
The professional salesmen are amazed. "You say you sold 10 times as many bibles as we professional salesmen together. How's that possible?"
Louie shrugs. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammers. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was: 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for f-f-fifty b-b-b-bucks—-o-o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to you?"
Last word
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
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