UK riots – AU steps in
NEWS from Addis Ababa. The African Union yesterday adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said: "We can no longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart."
"The AU, meeting in an emergency session to discuss the ongoing rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do "everything in their power to help bring civilisation to England".
"It's just so sad, you know," said Khumalo, speaking from the organisation's HQ in Addis Ababa. "Sitting here and watching them on TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle
and let it happen."
"The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.
"For instance, we have launched an 'Adopt an English child' programme," Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of English kids. "If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin' Nikes."
Khumalo also said the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with troops as part of a 'Feel better about yourselves, Brits!' initiative.
"You can understand why they're turning on each other," the spokesperson told journalists. "You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It's heartbreaking enough to make anyone put a brick through a Starbucks."
The organisation also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities."Vegetables mainly," Khumalo confirmed. "We're sending them vegetables and toothpaste."
The AU's flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyr have pledged to perform at the show.
"As a humanitarian, it's the least I can do," Hofmeyr said yesterday. "I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot cup of Milo."
Meanwhile, the week's events has seen terrified South Africans in London and Manchester packing their bags for home.
"This country is going to the dogs, dude," said Werner du Preez, a gap-year student from Johannesburg. "I've been offered a nice little two-bed place in Hillbrow where I can feel safe again."
Irish factor
THE RIOTING and looting in London is getting out of hand. Only last night a gang of Irishmen broke into a Ladbrokes tote in Brixton and lost £50.
International attractions
THE TOURISM industry fights valiantly to shrug off the recession. Some examples:
· Italian hotel brochure: "This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds
from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."
· Polish tourist brochure: "As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."
· Swiss menu: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
· Spanish hotel brochure: "The provision of a large French widow in every room adds to visitors' comfort."
· Athens hotel brochure: "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms."
· Hong Kong tailor's Shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
· Bangkok Dry Cleaners: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
· Paris Dress Shop: "Dresses for street walking."
Meanwhile, from the world'menus:
· Bowels in sauce. (Presumably tripe).
· Chopped up cow with wire through it. (Shish-kebab)
· Buttered saucepans and fried hormones (On offer in Japan)
· Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China).
· Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong).
· Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan).
Tailpiece
She (cooing sweetly from the kitchen): "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He (from the sofa, watching TV): "Thank you; I'll have chicken."
She: "Shut your trap! You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
Last word
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
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