The Idler, Friday, August 5, 2011

Technology steps back

IT SEEMS plans to broadcast the Rugby World Cup in 3-D television have been abandoned. The last few games were to have been filmed in the new medium, for which viewers have to wear special glasses. This has the action leaping out right into your living room as if you were there on the field in the midst of all the sweat and oof and grunt.

Apparently the abandonment is prompted by a lack of interest on the part of the viewing public. But is it lack of interest or a reluctance to invite 30 rugby players into one's own home?

I know these holographic 3-D images can't actually smash the bits of occasional china about the place, but a scrum on the hearthrug could nevertheless induce hysteria in the lady of the house. The All Blacks performing the Haka would certainly frighten the cat.

And who wants 15 Aussies rampaging about the place? You wouldn't know what to lock up first – the beer supplies or your daughters.

There are times when technology overreaches itself.

 Cop vacuum

 

THE COMMISSIONER and deputy commissioner of Scotland Yard have resigned over the phone hacking/police bribery scandal. Now the Chief Constable of the Cleveland police authority (also in England) and his deputy, have been suspended as corruption charges are investigated.

 

A vacuum has developed at the top in British policing. It's time this awkwardness over the police HQ leases in Pretoria and Durban got sorted out because the case for a secondment of Bheki Cele is becoming overwhelming.

Moral poser

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HERE'S a puzzle that apparently is used in America as a staff selection tool.   You are driving down the road in your two-seater sports car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop where you see three people waiting.   One is an old lady who is showing signs of serious physical distress and clearly needs hospital, otherwise she might die.   Another is an old friend who once saved your life.   The other is the dream girl you have been waiting for as a life's partner.   You have only one seat available. Which would you offer a ride? It's a moral and ethical dilemma.   You could pick up the old lady and take her to hospital, saving her life. You could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the chance to pay him back in part. However, you might then never again see your dream girl, the perfect mate you've been waiting for.   When the dilemma was put to 200 job applicants in the US, one of them sailed through. He said: "I'd give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."   He got the job. Lesson: Always think outside the box.   Unfortunately, however, there is an alternative solution, the caddish one: Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery; make love to the girl of your dreams on the bonnet of the sportscar; then drive off with your old friend for a few beers.   This is totally reprehensible, of course. But, alas, the world is full of cads.

 

Fast talk

THERE was this 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer she had to get somewhere fast, before she forgot where she was going?
What could be more reasonable?

 

Tailpiece

THEY'VE been married 20 years. They're in bed one evening and he starts tickling at her neck with his fingers, then runs them down to the small of her back. He caresses her shoulders and neck, slowly rubs his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

Then he puts his hand on her left inner arm, caresses past the side of her breast again, works down her side, passes gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeds up her inner thigh, stopping just short of the uppermost portion of her leg. He does the same on the right side - then suddenly stops and starts to watch TV.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

 

Last word

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Robert Frost