Darwin Awards 2010
IT'S TIME for the 2010 Darwin Awards, the rather grisly adjudication of individuals who improved the human gene pool by exiting this life in spectacularly dumb manner.
In ascending order:
* In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head-first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-feet high cliff on his daily run.
* While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an eight-feet hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath five feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital.
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* Sylvester Briddell, 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
* After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into Florida's H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
* Honourable mention: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 am. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out of the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
* Runner-up: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said he knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linesman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. His foot was never located. (Bingham was ineligible for top spot as he survived).
* The winner: Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force knocked Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung, suffocating him.
Dark and cold
YESTERDAY was the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere. For the first time in 400 years the solstice coincided with a full eclipse of the moon. And in Britain they were expecting the coldest night ever recorded.
Brrrr! It kind of brings home again the pagan origins of the festival of Christmas.
Tailpiece
What's Greece's favourite board game? Monopolopolopoly.
Last word
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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