Under the mistletoe
'TIS THE SEASON to be lusty … yet there's a danger that supplies of the traditional Christmas mistletoe could be running out.
As we all know, it's under the mistletoe that a girl is required to accept the kisses of a boy (but, as we also all know, it generally happens the other way round).
Mistletoe thrives in established apple orchards but such habitats have seen a big decline in England over the past 60 years, conservationists warn.
The British National Trust is now urging people to buy mistletoe in the run-up to Christmas in a bid to ensure future revellers can go on kissing under it.
And the ministry of agriculture says there's more to it than just boy-girl fun. Kissing under the mistletoe also assists the cider industry.
At least 60 percent of old orchards in the "cider country" of Somerset, Gloucestershire, Herefordshire and Worcestershire have disappeared since the 1950s. In Devon and Kent, the figure is as high as 90 percent.
Mistletoe is a parasitic plant that thrives on apple trees. It can also be found on lime, poplar and hawthorn trees.
But unless it is plucked, it can envelop and kill its host tree.
Says agriculture minister Jim Paice: "Buying mistletoe helps traditional British cider apple orchards thrive by removing mistletoe from apple trees. By buying mistletoe at Christmas, you're continuing a tradition that helps apple trees to flourish."
So whether in Devon or Durban, 'tis the season to seize a girl under the mistletoe. It's all in the cause of conservation.
As the old English folk song has it:
Apples be ripe,
Nuts be brown,
Pettticoats up,
Trousers down …
Zoider in Zomerzet
AH YES, THE zoider country. A South African girl and I once went into a pub in the Forest of Dene. The locals looked on and listened with great interest. Then an old chap came across.
"Arrrr! Yew be Polish?"
He was disappointed when we replied not.
"Yew be French then?"
They couldn't believe we were speaking our native English.
As they sing in those parts:
Yew can 'ave 'er,
Oi can't take 'er,
'Er's too fat for Oi ...
The big sting
A GERMAN national has been arrested for smuggling hundreds of tarantulas and other spiders into the US. Sven Koppler, 37, was apprehended when he arrived in Los Angeles to meet an associate, following a nine-month police investigation dubbed Operation Spiderman.
The probe began when customs officers found 300 live tarantulas during a routine search of a package. Fish and wildlife agents intercepted a second package containing 272.
Then agents ordered more spiders from Koppler, who sent a package containing 70. The packages included species whose importation is in breach of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species.
He was arrested when he eventually arrived in person to meet an associate in Los Angeles. This is what is known as a sting operation.
But Koppler – who is said to have earned $300 000 from his spider trade – might still have had the last laugh. Did they have the savvy to search his underpants when he arrived at the airport?
Life's pressures
A FEW musings to help cope with the pressures of life:
· I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.
· My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
· In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
· A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
· The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
· I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
· I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
· Dyslexics have more nuf.
· Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
· Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
· Don't sweat the petty things, don't pet the sweaty things.
Tailpiece
WHY COULDN'T the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because he was on a roll.
Last word
I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment