Taking the festive plunge
PEOPLE worldwide are impelled to take the plunge over the holiday season. In London, the annual 100m race in the Serpentine in Hyde Park on Christmas Day had to be cancelled because it had frozen over. Yet about 40 people found a section of the lake where the ice had been broken up and they jumped in anyway.
In Wales, more than 600 turned up at Porthcawl to swim in the surf in spite of an atmospheric temperature of minus 10 degrees Centigrade.
In Durban, Marine Surf Livesaving Club, at Addington Beach, had their annual braai out at the shark nets.
The lifesavers have welded together two 44-gallon drums to make a raft, on top of which is mounted a split drum to hold the braai fire. The raft is towed out to the shark nets by the rubberduck and tied up to them for the braai. Participants paddle out on their surfboards.
Proceedings are very formal. The paddlers have to be properly dressed, wearing speedos, hats and ties.
This shark nets braai has been happening for the past 30 years.
Police brutality
THE HYDE Park swim is a traditional charity event. I imagine that if you jumped into the Serpentine any other time you'd be picked up by the Fuzz.
Once I was in London during a freeze-up similar to the current one. I was with a group down at Trafalgar Square in the early hours to witness a wager. Great icicles dripped from the fountains. The water surface was frozen. Two of our number were in their Y-fronts. They'd wagered over a dinner table at nearby South Kensington that they would swim a lap round the Trafalgar Square fountains.
They had to break the thin layer of ice to get in. Then they set off, splashing and gasping.
Then suddenly the whole vicinity was surrounded by Bobbies. They seemed to have materialised out of nowhere.
"It w-w-was a b-b-bet, officer," said one of the swimmers through chattering teeth. "We're g-g-g-going home now."
"No you ain't," said the sergeant. "One more lap otherwise I nicks yer!"
They had to get in again and do another lap - police brutality.
Calory intake
SOME tips on countering the calory intake over the festive season:
* If you eat a cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calory free.
* If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
* If a friend comes over while you're baking your cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calory free, yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone.
* Cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the calorific mass.
* Cookies coloured red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calory for each letter.
Tailpiece
A LORRY driver in Essex stops at a red light and a blonde pulls up alongside in her car. She jumps out, runs up to his lorry cab and knocks. The driver lowers the window. She says: "Hi, my name's Sharon and you're losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab and knocks. "Hi, my name is Sharon and you definitely are losing some of your load."
Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks and says: "Hi, my name is Sharon and you really are losing some of your load!"
The light turns green, the driver revs and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he jumps out of his lorry and runs back to the blonde: "Hi, my name's Kevin and I'm gritting the road."
Last word
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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