DOWN Under, the Ashes High Noon starts tomorrow. This is developing into a fascinating contest – even stevens, two matches to come. One had a feeling the Aussies just had to come back, and Oh Boy – did they come back! Can England recover their poise? This is one to watch closely amid the leggy distractions and suspender snappings of the Thunder Bar, which is the only place open that hour of the morning.
And then drama is sure to unfold here at Kingsmead from Boxing Day. After the rains we've been having it's going to be like a sauna bath, the new ball swinging like crazy. I hope the grounds staff have prepared a green mamba the way they used to. Let's see what Dale Steyn, Morne Morkel and Wayne Parnell can make of it. This should be a humdinger for the pacemen.
As ever, so much depends on the toss. Whoever bats first will be on an outgoing tide just off springs, a lot of sponginess still in the wicket but drying as the day progresses. It will be much the same on the second day, except more so.
Day three will be a good one for whoever is batting. Again wettish early on, but three days off spring tide. It should be manageable.
But the last two days we should see fun and games. Although we're getting well off spring tide, we'll be on full high tide in both pre-lunch sessions. This is when things happen at Kingsmead.
Small shoals of mullet leap in the covers. The dorsal fin of a shark can be spotted circling here and there. The fiddler crabs appear and, with their large red claws, are a constant menace to slip fielders crouching low. A batsman is liable to be seized round the ankle by an octopus; gannets dive at cover point. The pitch is distinctly damp and anything can happen.
Yes, this is Kingsmead, no ground quite like it. And now we have the added factor of the Umgeni crocodiles. With their apparent settling in at Blue Lagoon, what can keep them out of Kingsmead at high tide? Fielders could actually disappear.
India have everything to prove, and their bowling must surely perk up on what was displayed at Centurion. But the odds have to favour our fellows, if only because of their familiarity with the extraordinary conditions of Kingsmead.
Meanwhile, sometimes it's difficult to grasp that what's at stake here is No 1 spot in the world rankings. It's between us and India, the current holders, and Down Under they're scrapping over No 3 and No 4, in spite of the Ashes. How the world has changed.
What a year it's been. The rugby Currie Cup and regular demolition of the streetlights with the gals' knicker elastic – the Florida Road feu de joie. And now a chance to top the world rankings at cricket. See you at the carol service tonight at the Pub With No Name. Just ask for Trev the Rev.
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