Twelve Days of Christmas
THE TWELVE days of Christmas start from today – merriment, gifts and expressions of love. Here goes, in the spirit of the season:
December 14
My dearest darling John,
Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity: three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18
Dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19
Dear John,
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying eggs on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20
John,
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21
OK, Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There's manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
December 22
Hey, Dopehead!
What are you - some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping And they've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23
You rotten bastard!
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies, they've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diaorrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The municipality has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
Agnes
December 24
Listen, Dimwit!
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on the maids and the ladies? Those pipers are now committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead, trampled in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction has been total. All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sue, Grabbit & Runne
Solicitors
Cheek
THESE internet scam artists are becoming positively insolent. I'm told this appeared on Facebook: "Inbox me your bank card number, expiry date and the three-digit security code on the back and I'll put on my status what I bought."
Strange fact
MORE than a million dogs in the United States are named the primary benefactor of their owner's will.
That's surely a terrible name for a dog
Tailpiece
DID YOU HEAR about the bankrupt contortionist?
He can't make ends meet.
Last word
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas."
~ Peg Bracken
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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