Stand in line!
NEWS from Oz. A crowded Virgin flight from Sydney was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said: "I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class!"
The attendant replied: 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
The attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please …" Her voice was heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
As the other passengers shrieked with laughter, the awkward one glared at the Virgin attendant and uttered a well-known four-letter word.
Coolly, she replied: 'I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
You don't tangle with an Aussie sheila.
Snow story
A HEARTWARMING e-mail arrives from Glasgow:
"Hi all, it's snowing like hell here today. My mate says that since it's been snowing, all his missus does is look through the window.
"He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in."
Mystery music
ROGER Kirk, of Hillcrest, was wakened in the early hours by a cascading of musical notes, a nice little ditty at full volume.
At first he thought it was his wife's new cellphone. But the music had too much depth and bass for that.
Then he sat up with a start. Somebody was playing his old upright piano. He thought: "Ghost!"
He grabbed a torch and went to investigate. Sure enough, the piano was strumming away but nobody was seated at it.
Then inside he found a little mouse running up and down, playing its heart out.
There seemed a definite pattern to the notes. Roger wonders whether readers would have any ideas as to what tunes the mouse was producing.
Something from Mouzart perhaps?
Gender trawl
INVESTMENT adviser James Greener takes issue in his latest newsletter with the gender equity industry.
"Do we not have more productive things for people to do than trawl through company reports counting how many women work in the place? Presumably it is us taxpayers who employ these folk to howl with outrage at their discovery that 'companies demonstrate a lack of coherent gender transformation … policies, with little evidence of … designated responsibility measured through performance management mechanisms'.
"No one trying to run a business where people are employed on the basis that they add more value than they get paid, has any desire or time to understand let alone implement nonsense like this.
"I wonder what will happen to the small firm they found that did not have any men on board?"
Higher education
PIET van der Merwe enrols as a mature student at a university. He meets the Dean of Admissions, who suggests he should register for courses in mathematics, history, English and logic.
"Logic?"What's that?"
"I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yes."
"Then logically speaking, I think that you would have a garden."
"That's true, I do have a garden."
"Because you have a garden, I think logically you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, you must logically have a family."
"That's right."
"And because you have a family, logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am heterosexual. That's amazing!"
Piet meets Koos in the bar and tells him the exciting news about signing up for classes in maths, English, history and logic.
"Logic? What's that?"
"I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a moffie!"
Tailpiece
I like to walk around the house naked. That's until the neighbours and the police tell me to go back inside.
Last word
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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