Three lions, two votes
THERE was something decidedly cheesy about England's "Three Lions" team who lobbied so hard to host the 2018 Football World Cup – Prince William, David Cameron and David Beckham. This yoking together of the second in line to the throne, an Old Etonian prime minister and an Essex man who once captained England seemed a little contrived and rather like overkill.
And overkill it was because they garnered all of two votes from the Fifa executive, one of them from England's own representative. Fifa quite clearly operates by principles that – to put it at its most charitable – are not related to normal criteria of suitability.
So Russia can look forward to a building boom as new stadiums are put in place. The tiny desert state of Qatar can look forward to the same for 2022.
What will Russia do, after the World Cup, will all the giant stadiums that will be left standing out there on the steppes. Does it have the football-playing population for them to be put to continued use? What of Qatar with its tiny population?
Perhaps they should send teams to South Africa to discover what plans there are for the stadiums, with their massive maintenance costs, now the Fifa caravan has moved on.
The Natal Rugby Union would not be a good place to start.
Three Wise Persons
AS THE CHRISTMAS season approaches, an interesting theological question arises. How would it have turned out if the Three Wise Men had instead been Three Wise Women? It has been the subject of intense study by a group of biblical scholars, who have at last reported.
They say that if there had been Three Wise Women they would have:
· Asked directions.
· Arrived on time.
· Helped deliver the baby.
· Cleaned the stable.
· Brought practical gifts.
· Made a casserole.
That's all very interesting but hypothetical. Wise Men they were and I cannot foresee any variation on the traditional carol, nor the version of the schoolkids, which for me gets right into the Christmas spirit.
We three kings of Orient are,
One in a taxi, one in a car,
One on a scooter,
Blowing his hooter,
Smoking a fat cigar …
Boer maak 'n plan
FIRST phone call:
"Hello, is this the South African Police?"
"Yes. "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe. He's hiding dagga inside his firewood."
"Thank you, sir, for your public spirit and co-operation against crime."
Second phone call:
"Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja. Man, they came in with axes and chopped up every bit of firewood stored there in the lapa. Then they left. Man, they was sommer woes."
"So everything's ready for the braai tonight?"
"Ja."
"Happy birthday, Boet!"
Correction
TO CUT THROUGH the bafflement of readers and avoid a lawsuit from the Punsters' Union, I repeat an item which appeared in last Friday's column, headed "Recognition".
It should have read: "A girl said she was sure she knew me from the Vegetarian Club. I was most confused as I'm sure I've never met herbivore."
Somewhere along the line in the editing process, the indefinite article "a" was inserted – "I've never met a herbivore" - making the sentence grammatically correct but devoid of meaning. Nonsense became sense that had no sense.
Sigh! I suppose worse things happen at sea.
Weather matters
AS A mini-Ice Age continues to grip Britain and parts of Europe, here are two weather items from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books):
· A newspaper in Pasadena, California, issued this outlook: "Clear today except for early fog, followed by smog, followed by evening fog.
· In Saudi Arabia the Arab News issued this admirable report: "We regret we are unable to give you the weather. We rely on weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of the weather."
Tailpiece
JOCK puts on his overcoat, tam o' shanter and scarf, then turns to his wee wife as he reaches the front door.
"Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie!"
"Aw, Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?"
"No, lassie. I'm switchin' aff the heat while I'm oot."
__._,_.___
Last word
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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