The Idler, Tuesday, October 8, 2013

History repeats itself?

THE BOKS were brave and at times brilliant at Ellis Park but one had the uncomfortable feeling they were playing an old-style stereotyped game while the All Blacks had something new and different.

In fact their lightning offloads and bewildering running lines in broken play counter-attack took some of us back to the 1960s when Izak van Heerden bamboozled the rest of South African rugby with the "Natal game" – very fast, close interpassing, both forwards and backs involved – based largely on the French style.

It was totally different and highly successful (apart from being marvellous to watch) and one has the impression the All Blacks have achieved something of the same order - a quantum leap that puts them in a higher category.

Rugby evolves continually. Van Heerden's ideas became part of the national pattern especially when Ian McIntosh moved on from coaching Natal to the Boks, adding his gain-line approach.

And now? How do we play catch-up?

Here's something interesting. Rugby evolves. Jake White took on the Boks with spectacular success. Then he took on the Brumbies in Australia, also with spectacular success. Jake the coach has evolved along with the rugby he inspires.

And now he's coming back to the Sharks, presumably with all kinds of new ideas. Is history repeating itself? Is he going to do an Izak van Heerden? Another quantum leap, again emanating from King's Park?

This could be very interesting. Hang on to those season tickets!

Furlough

THE WORD "furlough" has the Brits and other English-speakers reaching for their dictionaries as thousands of federal government employees in America are told to stay away from work until the budgetary shutdown is resolved.

It actually means "leave of absence" and is routinely used in America to describe members of the armed services taking leave.

It shouldn't be all that unfamiliar to South Africans though. "Furlough" must have the same Saxon origins as the Dutch/Afrikaans "verlof". It sounds the same and means exactly the same.

Goldilocks revisited

 

WHO'S been eating my borscht? In a reversal of the Goldilocks story, Russian police in the Siberian region of Irkutsk had to rescue a couple trapped in their dacha (holiday home) by a bear that had been attracted by the smell of the borscht (traditional beetroot soup) they had prepared.

 

They were sleeping in the bathhouse outside, because of redecorating in the main house, when they were wakened by breaking glass.

 

The bear had broken into the dacha and was slurping down the borscht, that had been left out to cool. The police arrived, fired a single shot into the air and the bear bounded off into the forest.

 

© Walt Disney Productions.

Glowing jellies

A HUGE cluster of jellyfish has forced one of the world's largest nuclear reactors to shut down. Operators of the Oskarshamn nuclear plant in Sweden had to scramble reactor No 3 after tons of jellyfish clogged the pipes that bring in cool water to the plant's turbines.

Two days later the pipes had been cleaned of the jellyfish and engineers were preparing to restart the reactor, which at 1 400 megawatts of output is the largest boiling-water reactor in the world.

These are jellyfish that glow in the dark.

Big fright

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "The lifeguard told me I'm not allowed to urinate in the pool. I got such a fright I almost fell in."

 

Safe landing

A LIGHT aircraft landed safely on a city street in California's Silicon Valley during rush-hour traffic.

It happened in San Jose when there was a malfunction shortly after take-off and rthe pilot was forced to make an emergency landing. The aircraft – which had one passenger on board - managed to avoid traffic on the roadway and pulled off into a right-turn lane.

Nobody was hurt. We're not told if the pilot was issued with a traffic ticket for illegal parking.

 

 

Tailpiece

THE COFFIN is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral. Suddenly  a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucks air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've done the paperwork."

 

 

 

Last word

 

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.

Bertrand Russell

 

The Idler, Tuesday, October 8, 2013

History repeats itself?

THE BOKS were brave and at times brilliant at Ellis Park but one had the uncomfortable feeling they were playing an old-style stereotyped game while the All Blacks had something new and different.

In fact their lightning offloads and bewildering running lines in broken play counter-attack took some of us back to the 1960s when Izak van Heerden bamboozled the rest of South African rugby with the "Natal game" – very fast, close interpassing, both forwards and backs involved – based largely on the French style.

It was totally different and highly successful (apart from being marvellous to watch) and one has the impression the All Blacks have achieved something of the same order - a quantum leap that puts them in a higher category.

Rugby evolves continually. Van Heerden's ideas became part of the national pattern especially when Ian McIntosh moved on from coaching Natal to the Boks, adding his gain-line approach.

And now? How do we play catch-up?

Here's something interesting. Rugby evolves. Jake White took on the Boks with spectacular success. Then he took on the Brumbies in Australia, also with spectacular success. Jake the coach has evolved along with the rugby he inspires.

And now he's coming back to the Sharks, presumably with all kinds of new ideas. Is history repeating itself? Is he going to do an Izak van Heerden? Another quantum leap, again emanating from King's Park?

This could be very interesting. Hang on to those season tickets!

Furlough

THE WORD "furlough" has the Brits and other English-speakers reaching for their dictionaries as thousands of federal government employees in America are told to stay away from work until the budgetary shutdown is resolved.

It actually means "leave of absence" and is routinely used in America to describe members of the armed services taking leave.

It shouldn't be all that unfamiliar to South Africans though. "Furlough" must have the same Saxon origins as the Dutch/Afrikaans "verlof". It sounds the same and means exactly the same.

Goldilocks revisited

 

WHO'S been eating my borscht? In a reversal of the Goldilocks story, Russian police in the Siberian region of Irkutsk had to rescue a couple trapped in their dacha (holiday home) by a bear that had been attracted by the smell of the borscht (traditional beetroot soup) they had prepared.

 

They were sleeping in the bathhouse outside, because of redecorating in the main house, when they were wakened by breaking glass.

 

The bear had broken into the dacha and was slurping down the borscht, that had been left out to cool. The police arrived, fired a single shot into the air and the bear bounded off into the forest.

 

© Walt Disney Productions.

Glowing jellies

A HUGE cluster of jellyfish has forced one of the world's largest nuclear reactors to shut down. Operators of the Oskarshamn nuclear plant in Sweden had to scramble reactor No 3 after tons of jellyfish clogged the pipes that bring in cool water to the plant's turbines.

Two days later the pipes had been cleaned of the jellyfish and engineers were preparing to restart the reactor, which at 1 400 megawatts of output is the largest boiling-water reactor in the world.

These are jellyfish that glow in the dark.

Big fright

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "The lifeguard told me I'm not allowed to urinate in the pool. I got such a fright I almost fell in."

 

Safe landing

A LIGHT aircraft landed safely on a city street in California's Silicon Valley during rush-hour traffic.

It happened in San Jose when there was a malfunction shortly after take-off and rthe pilot was forced to make an emergency landing. The aircraft – which had one passenger on board - managed to avoid traffic on the roadway and pulled off into a right-turn lane.

Nobody was hurt. We're not told if the pilot was issued with a traffic ticket for illegal parking.

 

 

Tailpiece

THE COFFIN is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral. Suddenly  a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucks air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've done the paperwork."

 

 

 

Last word

 

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.

Bertrand Russell

 

The Idler, Monday, October 7, 2013

Etiquette while abroad THE CHINESE authorities have told their nationals it's not on to widdle in swimming pools while on holiday abroad. This is one of the etiquette rules in a handbook issued to would-be tourists before they depart for abroad. Other "don'ts" include picking one's nose, leaving footprints on toilet seats and stealing lifejackets. It also warns tourists to Germany especially that the fingers may be snapped only to beckon dogs, not humans. The handbook is issued by the National Tourism Administration and is titled Guidebook for Civilised Tourism. It follows an uproar in Hong Kong caused by a party of tourists from the mainland, one of whom allowed her young son to urinate in a bottle while they were in a restaurant. Chinese Vice-Premier Wang Yang has said the uncivilised behaviour of Chinese tourists abroad threatens to damage the image of the Chinese people as a whole. One takes his point but aren't they being a little severe? What kind of holiday is it if you're not even allowed to steal a lifejacket? Nkandla   MORE mystery swirls about Nkandla. Investment analyst Dr James Greener notes it in his latest grumpy newsletter. "The call for tenders to supply something called Nkandla VIP Sanitation is rather alarming. What are they using now behind that million rand fence?" What indeed? Foefie wedding A BRIDE and groom in America decided they wanted something different for their wedding. So instead of him waiting in church for her to be walked down the aisle (late, by tradition) they zipped in together for the ceremony, on a foefie slide. Lauren Bushar and Ben Youngkin were planning the thing in North Carolina when they discovered the venue had a foefie slide (known there as a zip wire). So they arranged the ceremony around the zip wire. We're not told how they set off on honeymoon, but presumably it would have been on a skateboard (The honeymoon they no doubt spent in a hammock - nothing conventional about Lauren and Ben).   Life-changing VARIOUS readers have described personal close-up encounters with animals in the wild, life-changing experiences they never forget. Another comes in, no name given. "I was once patrolling late at night for poachers on my dad's farm in Zimbabwe. The skies opened up and I climbed under a small thorn bush for shelter. "After about five minutes a bushbuck came and sat next to me. It didn't move until the rain stopped. Then it got up, looked at me and just walked off. "I will never forget that experience. It had an impact on me and I have never hunted or harmed an animal again." Astonishing, isn't it? Tailpiece CINDERELLA is 95 and she sits in her rocking chair on her front porch with her cat, Bob, for company. The once handsome prince died years ago. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears out of nowhere. "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" "I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques. I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turns into solid gold. "What do you want for your second wish?" "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." Her wish becomes reality; her beauty and youth return. She feels stirrings she has not felt for years. And then the fairy godmother speaks once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and says: "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, and handsome, young man." Bob is suddenly a man so handsome she nor the world have not seen his like before. And in a blaze of blue light the fairy godmother is gone, as suddenly as she arrived. Bob and Cinderella look into each other's eyes. He takes her in his muscular arms and holds her close. His breath gently wafts her golden hair as he says: "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered."   Last word

When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.

Clyde B Aster
 

 

The Idler, Friday, October 4, 2013

Adventures in the zoo

A THEME park and zoo in England has banned visitors from wearing animal print clothing – especially lion, tiger or cheetah - because it frightens the animals.

Giraffe prints are also verboten at Chessington World of Adventures because it confuses the real giraffes. Yes, nothing more confusing and embarrassing than to encounter an amorous giraffe while on a game drive – it's the kind of adventure you don't really want.

Linda Berggren, a keeper, says the animals have been put through a two to three-month desensitisation programme to accustom them to vehicles, people, different noises and different colours. "But we never really desensitised them to the animal print fashion trends that are now getting really popular."

Staff are issuing grey boiler suits to park-goers whose clothing does not match the rules.

Grey boiler suits? What about amorous baboons?

 

Your preference?

 

ALL of which recalls some lines of verse.

 

Would you like to sin

With Eleanor Glynn

Upon a tiger skin?

Or would you prefer

To err

With her

Upon some other fur?

 

Hollow men

AS THE political standoff in America continues and the clock ticks down to October 17 when – if no compromise is reached – the US will renege on its debt repayments, the economic recovery will be shattered and the entire world will be plunged into dire confusion, are we not reminded of the lines of TS Eliot in The Hollow Men?

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Tense times

THESE are the times that try men's souls … a Currie Cup home semi-final at stake tonight, top spot in the southern hemisphere at stake tomorrow.

What a season it's been. The Currie Cup is always a great competition. And has there ever been a southern hemisphere competition as laden with emotion and tension as this year's? It's really top spot in world rugby that's at stake.

And whatever happens tomorrow, the Currie Cup takes on new impetus in its final stages as the Boks return to their provincial stables. Everything keeps ratcheting upward.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

Arresting abstracts

NUDES, nudes, nudes … they were everywhere, mysterious, enigmatic, a collection of female pulchritude such as Durban has seldom seen.

No, this wasn't strip-tease night at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, it was the opening at Artisan Gallery, in Florida Road, of Barry Comber's Fotografix exhibition – an ingenious running of photography through the computer to create abstract images of the female form that are most arresting - by turn colourful, stark in contrast and vibrant. These are most definitely an art form, the prints so tasteful that perves would be as disappointed as would prudes.

Part of the fun was trying to match up the gals present at the opening with the abstracts that plastered the walls of the gallery, but nobody was admitting to anything. Barry is a crafty old fox  – an unusual mix of rugger bugger, photographic craftsman and artist – and just smiled enigmatically.

The exhibition runs for two weeks and a few days.

Hidden treasure

YO-HO-HO and a bottle of rum …  It wasn't Treasure Island, it was Mont Blanc, in the Alps, but a French climber has uncovered a treasure chest of jewels worth €246 000 (R3.5 million) while crossing a glacier.

The box of emeralds, rubies and sapphires was from the wreckage of an Air India plane that crashed into the mountain half a century ago.

The unnamed climber handed his find to the police, who are trying to trace the jewels' rightful owners, failing which they will revert to him.

Yo-ho-ho …

Tailpiece

IT'S BEEN a tough and tiring day. The train commuter settles in his seat and closes his eyes. The woman sitting beside him takes out her cellphone.

"Hi, sweetheart, it's Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6.30, not the 4.30, but I had an office meeting No, not with Kevin from accounting, with the boss. No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life …"

Fifteen minutes later she's still at it. The tired commuter leans across and says into the mouthpiece: "Sue, stop gabbing into that phone and come back to bed!"

Sue doesn't use a cellphone in public any more.

Last word

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

Mel Brooks

 

The Idler, Thursday, October 3, 2013

Isipingo stands by

 

AMERICA'S federal government has closed down operations across a range of activities as a result of the failure of Congress to pass the budget.

 

What are the implications world-wide? What if the same kind of thing were to happen here?

 

A snap survey reveals South Africans to be divided. Fifty percent of those polled said it would make no difference at all. The remaining 50 percent were under the impression it had already happened years ago.

 

Meanwhile, political scientists are speculating that we are witnessing the disintegration of the large-scale political systems that developed over the 18^th, 19^th and 20^th centuries.

 

"America will dissolve into its constituent parts, the same way as happened to the Soviet Union," says Dr Fritz Hoffenskoffen, of the Alabama Institute of Navel Studies. Then the European Union will disintegrate. Next will be the United Nations. 'Small is beautiful'. That will be the watchword of the 21^st century.

 

"Then when the international system is thoroughly atomised, it will start to coagulate again around the small entities that still exist and show themselves to be efficient, vigorous and possessed of vision and drive. We can expect some surprises."

 

The Isipingo town board is standing by for its big moment.

 

Skinny-dipping

 

MARY Ann Grafetsberger, the lady who cares for feral cats and stands up for the interests of vervet monkeys, confirms the phenomenon of phosphorescence in the sea at night on the North Coast, and the way it lights up skinny-dippers.

 

"I remember my skinny-dipping days, but further north at Zinkwazi, and it was indeed fascinating. We would swim like mermaids, leaving behind a trail of phosphorescence. Those were the days!"

 

Mermaids! Oh, to have been a nocturnal octopus or something at Zinkwazi in those halcyon times.

 

 

Almost human SCIENTISTS in China have discovered what could be the earliest example of a creature with a distinct human-like face. A fossil dug up near the southern Chinese town of Quijing could be a missing link in the development of animals with backbones. Brian Choo, of Beijing's Institute of Vertebrate Palaeontology and Palaeoanthropology, says the prehistoric fish fossil has a jaw and skull-like features similar to humans. The new discovery, which has been named Entelognathus primordialis  - meaning primordial complete jaw - lived in the seas off China during the late Silurian period around 420 million years ago and had a heavily armoured head and trunk and a scaly tail. Other palaeontologists worldwide are thrilled by the discovery, which they describe as "stunning". Brian Choo and the others should divert their investigations to Durban. The Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, for example, abounds in fishy characters with distinctly human-like faces. They are clustered at the bar. Their head and trunk have all the attributes of heavy armour and, who knows, some of them might even have scaly tails.   High mileage IRV GORDON is a fellow who just can't stop driving around. He was at college in Massachusetts when he bought his red Volvo in June 1966. He picked it up on a Friday night and drove it around the local pubs to show his friends. Then he kept on driving and found himself showing it to friends in New Jersey, then Connecticut, before driving back to college. And since then he's kept on driving. The other day – 47 years after taking delivery - he was up in Alaska when he clocked his three millionth mile in the Volvo and got himself (and the Volvo) into the Guinness Book of World Records. The Volvo manufacturers don't know whether to laugh or cry. Great publicity for their product – but imagine sales if every purchaser held on for 47 years.   Tailpiece SEAMUS and Mick are in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus: ""Whoi de heck do dey do dat?" Mick: "Do what?" Seamus: "Go on dem boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down de hills, round de bends. Day after day, week after week, no matter if it's oicy, rainin', snowin', hailin' ... why would dey torture demselves like dat?" Mick: "'Tis all for de prestige and de money. You know, de winner gets about a half a million Euros". Seamus: "Yeah, Oi understand dat. But whoi de heck do all de udders do it?"

Last word

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. - Timothy Leary